takingstock

KPMG needs I.T. to phone home

2010-02-03T12:56:51Z

TS hears some of the Big Four firm's IT and expenses queries are going to M3 Consulting, a property development company based in the Square Mile...

]]> M3's FD Diane Brown told TS that she was having to field IT questions from KPMG staff and the company was also getting messages about expenses.

"Not only does my phone ring to the call of sad KPMG staff searching for the IT helpdesk, but we are receiving detailed voicemails on issues from staff expenses and all sorts of other admin issues," said Diane.

We knew life was tough,but one poor KPMG cherub left a message flagging up problems with her corporate Amex card.

One message had: "Details about a corporate Amex card having some very detailed error message and an amount of £17.60 which wouldn't clear. The lady cleverly didn't leave her name," Diane said.

KPMG insiders have confirmed that Diane's number matches the firm's internal IT number and are on the case.

TS was told by KPMG's people that the problem rested on staffers dialling '9' for an outside line when they shouldn't have.

To its credit, the firm came back to TS and was brave enough to apologise for the problem.

"It isn't a technical issue, but it was just a case of mis-dialling. We're sorry if any calls have gone to M3 Consulting when they shouldn't have done."

TS is no stranger to a case of "fat fingers" from time-to-time, so we totally understand.

PwC's Sexton treads the boards

2010-02-03T11:38:57Z

TS might need a few mental-health days to recover from the sight of Richard Sexton shaking his groove thang in a one-night-only performance at PwC's annual panto extravaganza.

]]> PwC's audit chief was a great sport and performed for a crowd of excitable youngsters (and, of course, a select few accountancy hacks) at Holborn's Peacock Theatre.

If TS had a score card we would have held up a 7/10 - not quite Beyonce's "Single Ladies", but miles away from Ivana Trump's sordid gyrating in Celebrity Big Brother.

This year's production, Snow White, included the sort of cross-dressing, dwarf-teasing hilarity we've come to expect with the requisite cheers, boos, hisses and the occasional snort-inducing laughter which have become the Panto's stock and trade.

TS is always encouraged that the good folks of Embankment Place spare staff for such a good cause, but is alarmed at how effortlessly the brawny panto dame strutted about the stage in a pair of heels.

The shout of "He's behind you!" would be truly chilling.

HMRC call centre brainbox challenges Mannion

2010-02-03T10:59:11Z

There are some tales you hear which produce belly laughs of the most raucous order and the one told by tax bod Richard Mannion is right up there.

]]> He called up to challenge HMRC after they got his tax code wrong a while back.

Now, as Smith & Wiliamson's national head of tax Mannion knows his fiscal onions but apparently not, according to one call centre genius.

Mannion couldn't believe his ears when HMRC's firefighter suggested "I didn't understand the tax coding system," he tells us.

A flabbergasted Mannion didn't quite know what to say and neither for once does TS.

Well, almost. TS reckons Mannion's 30-year of accountancy experience, his time as President of the Chartered Institute of Taxation and a taxation lifetime achievement gong clearly counts for nought in the eyes of HMRC's condescending phone jockey.

You couldn't make it up if you tried.

Guilfoyle plucks Eagles' star player

2010-01-27T16:13:02Z

Blimey. We all thought that footy insolvency practitioner extraordinaire Brendan Guilfoyle might be a dab hand as club manager, but we never thought he'd go for it as Crystal Palace administrator.

]]> Apparently he and his firm P&A Partnership have banned Crystal Palace star striker Victor Moses from playing against Newcastle tonight.

Administrators don't want their "asset" being devalued....

Unsurprisingly, the actual Palace manager Neil Warnock is none too impressed.

LDA rails at TfL

2010-01-21T00:00:00Z

TS strolled along to the latest audit committee meeting of the London Development Agency to hear their thoughts on the Audit Commission's qualification of the 'use of resources' part of its annual accounts, and its late filings.

The committee members weren't particularly happy bunnies, however member and Barnet Council leader Mike Freer raised a giggle or two.

]]> On the LDA's unimpressive scoring when benchmarked against other organisations, he called on finance to do better at "presenting" the information and "box-ticking", while slagging off Transport for London in the process.

"Let's get some peer support to get those 'threes' and 'fours' - those that are good at passing tests. Why do we get a 'one' on managing finance and TFL gets a 'four'? With their biggest financial black holes...It underlines how sometimes it's how you present things," said Freer.

To many chuckles, Freer insisted he didn't want LDA's number-crunchers to misrepresent anything, just understand how other bodies get better scores. TS expects to see gold stars all round next year then...

Hartnett remembers the good old days

2010-01-19T15:13:45Z

TS was summoned to Whitehall last week for a no-holds-barred meeting with our favourite tax gamekeeper Dave Hartnett.

]]> Before chewing the fiscal fat, Dave recalled the halcyon days of old school tax journalism.

"Back in the days when the world was less litigious we used to think you guys just made it up!" TS was cut to the quick at this outrageous statement but wiped away the tears and managed to regain his poise.

"We used to dread Accountancy Age coming out," added Dave's right hand man.

This immediately lifted TS' spirits but the real seal of approval came when Dave said:

"The scandal that was always interesting was about tax advisers and accountants but it was always appalling if it was about us."

Job well done then, TS says.

Tax defenders put boot into Maradona

2010-01-19T14:55:41Z

The Hand of God must be shaking all the way to the bank now the South American authorities have demanded he pay back tax from his stint at Napoli in Italy's Serie A football league.

]]> Tax officials are trying to recover more than 30meuros(£26m)from Diego. Their investigation has already taken them to where the rambunctious footy star probably had the most weight to lose - his head. More specifically, his ear.
The star sported a bauble worth £5500. But for reasons unknown, it fetched £22,268 from an unknown female buyer when it was sold at auction.
Reports stated Maradona was being treated for weight gain and stress when the earring was seized, which makes TS wonder whether news of the seizure worsened his condition.
Earlier, authorities seized a wristwatch worth 10,000 euros (£8,900), but say these items are a fraction of what the former football star owes.
Let's see you dribble your way out of this one Diego.

Enron's back in the big leagues!

2010-01-11T15:04:09Z

Well, almost.....

]]> The staged version of the former Texan giant's fall from grace has gone from strength to strength since opening in Chichester last year.

The antics of Messrs Skilling, Lay and finance chief Fastow - described by a Times reviewer as "slippery (Not a people person)" are still very much of interest, TS muses.

22,000 bums gracing seats for its sell-out stint at the Royal Court off London's Sloane Square last autumn is proof of the show's appeal.

Now the Enron beast is descending on the West End's Noel Coward Theatre and the show's quirky take on financial scandals (toxic debt is represented by actors playing Jurassic Park dinosaurs) sounds highly entertaining.

For some banking giants out there, booking a company-wide night out to the show with a view to saying " at least things didn't get this bad," might be on the cards.

Also TS reckons there could be more than a hint of Schadenfreude in all of this for everyone else. The play is booking tickets until the end of May.

TS will keep a beady eye out for contacts at the show!

http://www.noel-coward-theatre.com/

Cooking the books with Harris Lipman

2009-12-14T11:47:06Z

TS should quickly point out that this is an accounting take on festive feasts from the good folks of the +50 firm

]]> They sent in a cookbook to TS with number-crunching at the focus of its culinary delights.

Figgy Pudding becomes Fiddle Pudding. You could have a Currant Liability Fruitcake or even Tax-free Gingerbread Employees/Men.

Good effort gang, which has pushed the minions in TS Towers to the limit of our punning abilities. We could only come up with this festive/finance food treat: Brussels Red Tape Sprouts.

Not very good, TS admits. Can you do any better??

Insolvency mugs

2009-12-08T12:02:24Z

The Insolvency Service has taken a spanking for buying its staff cups and other items to gee them up..

]]> Apparently staff also received "special pens" and sticky notes to encourage them to submit survey forms on time.

One MP is outraged that a grand total of £12,000 was apparently shelled out for this.

John Penrose accused the Prime Minister of treating the public like mugs. Very amusing.

He added: "Fifty-one businesses a day are going to the wall but the Government is spending thousands on sticky note pads and calendars."

That's an interesting point, maybe if we all spend less money the country will come out of recession?

Another interesting point is that Penrose spent £143,700 in expenses last year, although they were for office-related and travel expenses and not motivational tools for his staff.

But at least the country can be safe in the knowledge that MPs are using expenses wisely on essential work fixing duck ponds and changing light bulbs rather than motivating its staff.

Beer-dodging finance students

2009-12-08T11:20:48Z

Just as finance starts to get out of the number-crunching doldrums, than the credit crunch and recession drags them back behind their calculators.

]]> This has filtered down to finance students as well.

Improbably, students are ducking drinking and lie-ins to run campus clubs, reports the Evening Standard.

The London School of Economics president of its student finance society, Bronswe Cheung, said: "I have to sacrifice my social life for this."

Read "all abart it" here

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23780998-students-swap-pub-crawls-for-private-equity.do

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

2009-11-27T13:07:54Z

Picture Mike Warburton or John Whiting rushing into a phone booth, spinning around and around very fast, only to emerge resplendent in cape and underpants on outside their trousers.

]]> Quite a thought, eh? Well Christian Aid's policymakers (and marketing gurus) can certainly envisage such a sight after launching its alternative tax award for Tax Superhero of the Year.

It's been launched to highlight "the tremendous potential accountants have to change the world for the better by helping developing countries collect more of the billions of dollars in tax they are owed," according to the spiel.

It has already awarded the Big Four and the IASB with the joint prize of having the Greatest Potential for Tax Reform.

While some advisers might consider HMRC's Dave Hartnett the arch-villain, it will be interesting to see whether Christian Aid has a totally different take on things.

Don't mess with the Johnsons

2009-11-27T13:00:14Z

Everyone loves an impressionist. So it was at the Accounatncy Age Awards where Rory Bremner, that master of the art, wowed an audience of the profession's great and good.

]]> The classics were out on show. Brown, Bush, Mandela, Prescott, Obama and, of course, Boris Johnson, who presented the awards himself not too long ago.

While Rory was royally sending up BoJo, TS was standing backstage with his brother Leo, a partner at PwC.

Leo's reaction: "Who's he doing now, who's he doing now?"

TS didn't have the nerve to tell him. When he was told, next day at work, LeoJo apparently threatened that he would have "done" Rory Bremner, if he had seen him.

We can only assume he meant impersonate the impersonator, and nothing more sinister...

Tesco. Every little £984,000 helps

2009-11-26T14:41:21Z

Nothing can go wrong for the retail giant. Well, apart from spending £984,000 on six bikes.

The Metro reported this morning that Basildon-based Universal cycles received 1,000 times greater payment for the Muddy Fox bicycles as opposed to the wholesale cost of 984 quid.

]]> The bike company allegedly still owes Tesco £121,000 of the overpayment, say reports.

This set the "wheels" in motion for legal recourse.

Obviously someone in the retailer's finance function "spoke" out about the financial faux pas, and hopefully didn't try to "frame" anyone.

TS has run out of ideas for puns, but if you can fit gears, seat and handlebar into the story then you're better than us.

The 100-mile-high club

2009-11-25T14:19:00Z

We at TS found ourselves lucky enough be sitting next to the finance director of Virgin Galactic at the Accountancy Age Awards bash last week. As many of you may know Virgin Galactic is the world's first spaceline.
Millionaires can travel to the moon in the spaceship obviously named SpaceShipOne for the bargain price of $200,000 (£120,400). TS, always willing to try our luck, enquired whether or not any of the staff would be taking a trip on SpaceShipOne, but unfortunately the FD said none of the staff (excluding Mr Branson of course), could afford the flight!
It seemed bizarre the team were working on a product they would never experience. Not one to be deterred, TS asked if there were any freebie flights for us to fly and, of course, report on. The FD smiled and told us there were quite a few.
They were always looking for bodies to take the test flights!