The Onion joked that  Big Sam was in the habit of driving home from his Manhattan office once a day for a 15-minute power bath. 'During today's session I got on three conference calls and appointed a new global board member, all while grabbing a few quick suds,' reporters were apparently told by DiPiazza.

'No time to waste. I come home, draw up a quick bubble B, do a little videocon with the Japan people, slap on some brown-sugar-and-fig body butter, whip out the BlackBerry, and exfoliate the sh*t out of myself, and bam: totally refreshed and rejuved.'

The Onion then goes on to say that DiPiazza was so relaxed after his whistlestop immersion that he was involved in a head-on collision while driving back to work later that day and unfortunately kicked the bucket.

TS knew immediately that this story was a complete fabrication, because everyone knows that you have to be one of the undead and therefore unable to be killed to make it all the way to the top of the food chain in a Big Four firm.