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Colin's Scottish problem
Click on the cartoon strip or here to read Colin's latest exploits
FDs get a reality check
Every now and again, TS will play host to desperate TV execs looking for accountants to take part in their latest reality show or docu-drama. We’ve never been totally convinced that any of you lot out there were up for that sort of thing, but after sitting down to watch the telly over the last few weeks, we’ve changed our minds. And it seems to be the high fliers that really like to get in front of the camera.
First, we saw former FD Benn Coley getting up to his neck in money troubles to buy three flats in a ski resort on Channel 4’s No Going Back: A New Life in France. You would hope that his background as an FD would hold him in good stead, but then again dealing with his wife spending precious cash on leopard skin baby shoes was never part of the job description.
Next off we watched current Haymarket FD Jeremy Duckworth trying to refurbish a run-down house in Five’s Build a New Life in the Country. At the time he was project managing this renovation, he was also trying to hold down a job as FD at Williams Formula 1. TS just hopes that the change of job wasn’t connected to anything seen on the programme.
An incentive to go on holiday
Lord Carter of Coles was in a chirpy mood when talking to TS about his recommendations for sprucing up HM Revenue & Customs’ online presence this past Budget day. When questioned on the moving forward of self assessment filing deadlines, he pointed out that online filing would be ‘incentivised’.
In other words, you had two extra months to file online compared to paper returns. He didn’t seem to fully appreciate that moving the dates forward in the first instance wouldn’t be construed as an ‘incentive’ to many, perhaps. Then again, maybe he did.
After pointing out that he had been delighted with the response by the profession and other stakeholders during the initial consultation, Lord Carter blurted out that he was packing his bags and heading off to Australia on Budget day for well-deserved hols.
For TS to even suggest that Lord Carter has slipped out of the country to avoid the hording masses of angry accountants would be inappropriate, but we’d be lying if we said the thought hadn’t entered our heads.
BDO's floozie
TS is looking forward to meeting up with long-time BDO Stoy Hayward servant and soon to be R3 president Tony Supperstone. Especially as it seems that the Birmingham office in which Tony is based has its own floozie. And a jacuzzi.
Apparently, a posh fountain based outside the office is referred to by BDO staffers as the Floozie in the Jacuzzi how touching. The floozie is actually a Dhruva Mistry sculpture, officially known as the River Goddess, and based in the city’s Victoria Square. Perhaps BDO’s office is known as the ‘Firm in the Birm’.
Then again perhaps not.
Avoision gets closer to reality
TS wonders if there is some sinister plot on tax avoidance being perpetrated by HMRC? It may sound like a silly question, but after a spate of post-Budget articles suggesting that carousel fraud is tax avoidance, it did start our mind ticking over.
Some have said that Gordon Brown’s measures to tackle the fraud are an anti-avoidance move. Perhaps the government is content, however, to blur the line between evasion and avoidance itself. Despite accusing some firms of treating carousel fraud as avoidance, it did include the changes in a list of anti-avoidance measures it was pursuing. If this continues ‘avoision’ could become a well used phrase before too long.
Who let the cat out of the box?
A rap on the knuckles for the Charity Finance Directors Group.
The body sent out a press release at 12:50pm on Budget day, only 20 minutes into the chancellor’s speech, detailing moves on abuse of reliefs used by charities. Strange, as nobody else is allowed to release such material until the chancellor sits down, including the Treasury and HM Revenue & Customs.
When TS phoned HMRC to snitch on the CFDG, they were not exactly fuming, but a spokesman for the taxman did say that if the CFDG had been a public sector group, they could have ‘ended up in the tower’ over such a breach of protocol.
The CFDG, an independent charity, said in its defence that it was ‘slightly over assiduous’ in keeping its members informed about the changes, and that the move was a simple mistake.
The early release does raise one question, of course. We were led to believe that avoidance moves were not disclosed to anyone, not even the late Downing Street cat, before the chancellor had finished his speech. Were the CFDG briefed in advance? Perish the thought.
City boys have been done before
TS is getting fed up with suggestions, aired in certain quarters, that the government's crackdown on city bonus-type schemes announced in last week's Budget was the first time the government had used Dawn Primarolo's notorious 'retrospective' statement from 2004's pre-Budget report.
The statement had said that the government would clamp down on any schemes retrospectively if new forms of abuse appeared. So it came to pass, and last week the government stamped out various options and securities used to avoid tax and national insurance bills.
TS, devoted as we are to the utmost standards of accuracy, would like to point out to all those who say this is the first use of those powers: read the National Insurance Bill. It contained provisions for crackdowns on national insurance abuse effective from 2 December 2004.
Published in October 2005, it predates the Budget by a good few months.
Access the bill here: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/employers/nicbill05.htm
TS could be wrong, of course. Anyone care to dispute our version of events?
Colin is blackmailed
Click on the cartoon strip or here to read about Colin's latest exploits.
Singalong a Budget speech
As the annual Budget mayhem descends on the Accountancy Age office, TS can usually be found down the pub, spending the money collected from the regular office sweepstake on Gordon’s speech. But that’s not to say we don’t help out prior to the event.
In fact we can often be found researching what is likely to appear in the red briefcase weeks beforehand. That is how we came across a little gem from Tenon.
The company’s podcast on the Budget opens with a fanfare that would not be considered out of place at the court of King Arthur, albeit when he was in an avant-garde jazz mood. More amazingly, the opening bars were put together and performed by Tenon’s director of tax services, Andrew Hubbard.
Apparently, Andrew has a touch of the composer about him, as you can see from the picture. He also has his very own ‘musical tax blog’ in which he notes down his ‘random musings’ on both subjects.
They made a mug out of Michael
TS is no stranger to the odd bit of office japery, after all it really is the only way to get through the mind numbing tedium of the day. But we still have some way to go to catch up with the jokers at E&Y.
Michael Lynch-Bell, who appeared in TS last year due to an unfortunate ‘vodka incident’, recently lost his beloved mug.
The loss prompted a series of, er, hilarious e-mails from staff along the lines of: ‘We have your mug. Don’t go to the Police. We’ll contact you with instructions.’
One volunteered a picture of the mug with today’s paper, saying it was safe and well and would be back with him soon.
Others, in a more sinister manner, sent pictures of broken mugs to indicate what had happened to other mugs in the same circumstances.
You will be delighted to hear that the mug is now back in the grateful hands of Lynch-Bell, but with that kind of tomfoolery going on in the office, TS can’t wait to see if the firm’s next set of profit figures are as cheery.
Colin’s plane crazy
Colin Day, top finance bod at Reckitt Benckiser, exercised an awful lot of shares last week 220,000 to be precise, netting himself a good £2m in the process.
Was this a sign that Colin was on his way out, some wondered? After all, he did tell us that he’d been there for a while and didn’t like to hang around at any one company for too long.
Apparently not. TS understands that Colin simply needed a bit of spare cash in order to buy…a plane.
Yup, he is apparently a huge plane enthusiast, and although TS doesn’t currently have any information on what type of plane he wanted, any rumours that he’s off to Imperial Tobacco can be scotched here and now.
Not that this passion was shared by a rather po-faced Reckitt spokeswoman when we called to find out more about the situation.
‘There’s no question of Colin leaving,’ was all we could get out of her. Perhaps a spin in Colin’s new toy might help let the hair down a bit more in future.
An authentic new business model
What with all these new rules on what other services an auditor can provide to its client, it's perhaps not too surprising that some of the larger accountants are looking at other ways to bring the cash in.
Grant Thornton has got involved with an authentication company called Bigbluetube in a scheme that is designed to ensure that collectors of limited edition memorabilia are getting the genuine article.
What this seems to involve is GT standing around watching Wayne Rooney signing some papers, before GT does the same thing to guarantee that the first signature is Wayne’s. The question on TS’ lips isn’t who authenticates GT’s signature, but which signature will prove to be the most valuable?
Colin in the dark
Click on the cartoon strip or here to read Colin's latest adventure
David '100 jobs' Mills
David Mills, of Tessa Jowell fame, seems to have had a relatively pleasant time when dealing with the taxman over the last few years.
Despite being a tax lawyer and not having declared his alleged £350,000 ‘gift’, Mills’ eventual settlement with HMRC reportedly only involved a modest 30% penalty from the taxman.
TS has been doing some research into Mr Mills. It wasn’t as rigorous as KPMG’s vast report
into the network of deals that Berlusconi was allegedly involved in, but it did yield some new numbers.
Those who have a look at Mills’ company directorships will find, as TS did, that he has been very busy.
Companies House lists Mills as having five current appointments, 46 resigned appointments and 54 dissolved appointments.
TS was labouring under the belief that Mills was a specialist in offshore arrangements, so it is a surprise his interests are so firmly fixed at home.
Is there anyone out there who can claim more former and current directorships? Suggestions below, please.
On the casting couch
TS is often accused of cynicism and rightly so. But we’re beginning to wonder whether we can hold a candle to you lot.
On the rare occasion that TS is awake by that time in the morning, we always tune in to Accountancy Age’s new Insider Business Club web seminars (held every Wednesday). And we’ve been taken aback by the negative nature of the questions.
Our personal favourite came last week during the CPD and training session. ‘My experience regarding working in accounting in England is that career progress has got nothing to do with knowledge and ability,’ one listener said.
‘And it’s got everything to do with whether your “face fits”, whether you have the right family connections and whether you are prepared to get involved sexually with other members of staff where you work. That’s the reality of “getting on in the work place”.’
TS can sympathise as journalism works in exactly the same way. After all, how do you think we ended up on the back page of Accountancy Age.
JGJ, CEO, KPMG, OK?
Never let it be said that TS is scooped on matters of meaningless gossip relating to the leaders of the accountancy profession.
TS has a new piece of information which will have our so-called rivals gasping in despair. We’ve discovered John Griffith Jones’ nickname.
Griffith Jones, currently chief executive, is set to become KPMG’s senior partner when Mike Rake steps down in September. And when he does, all those in the know at the firm will go around whispering about ‘JGJ’.
Is this how he is widely known, TS wondered? ‘Only in polite company,’ one KPMG insider tells us.
Deloitte spells confusion for HMRC
You would think the taxman would know a thing or two about Deloitte, the second largest firm in the UK. Remember them? They do a lot of tax advice.
But in a recently released freedom of information disclosure, HMRC seems oddly unable to spell their name.
Listing the largest recipients of consultancy contracts, it refers to a Deloite & Touche (paid £1.2m in 2004/5) and a Delloite MCS (paid a total of almost £20m by Customs & Excise over the three years the disclosure refers to).
TS would be the last person to throw stones about mistakes. But spelling it two different ways in the same document? And both of them wrong?
Shell shells out to land Land
You'll have to forgive TS a moment whilst we get this out of our system. Nick Land's appointment as a non-exec at Shell has got us thinking, that's all.
One hopes Nick will not be too reserved in his new role, for example, or that Shell didn't shell out over the odds to land Land.
'Oil take it,' Land obviously thought when offered the chance to drill down into Shell's books.
We all know Land is such a slick operator that there's no way his career has hit a sump.
TS doesn't want to gas on too long about this, you understand.
On a more serious note, TS wondered if Nick's audit buddies at E&Y, beavering away on BP's figures, don't take offence about him working for its rival.
It might also be noted that Shell has insisted it wants to direct more non-audit work to people other than PwC, its auditors. Will E&Y be the lucky recipient of any of those commissions, one wonders?
Top table, top marks
Keen readers will not be surprised to learn that despite the dubious quality of our company, TS is never short of a dinner ticket.
However what even the most ardent follower of our weekly musings may not know is that we retain an insatiable thirst for knowledge. That's why we recently registered for a masters, at the University of Life no less, in the Politics of Seating Arrangements at Formal Dinners.
We pleased to report that our first paper, on last week's Association of Accounting Technicians lunch, scored top marks. We correctly attributed the omission from the AAT's top table of the ACCA president to the latter body's decision to cease supporting its more junior counterpart.
However our good work was undone by our seating analysis of the recent CIPFA dinner. We couldn't fathom why CIPFA chief executive Steve Freer was at table 2, his ICAEW equivalent Eric Anstee was table 1, ICAS's Des Hudson was on table 5 and CIMA's Charles Tilley at table 8. But then no one else in the class could either. We'll keep you up to date with our progress.
Married to the profession
Sir David Varney appeared before MPs again last week, and TS is pleased to report that HMRC’s head honcho was much cheerier than on earlier occasions.
Members of the committee caused a stir, however, as they all in turn confessed that they had a conflict of interest in asking Sir David questions. The conflict? They are, almost all of them, married to accountants.
Greg Clark was first, confessing that his enthusiasm for tax simplicity was occasionally challenged by his wife, whose income, he said, depended in part on tax complexity.
Kitty Ussher added that her husband was an accountant too, as others also disclosed connections with the profession.
Austin Mitchell was on form, suggesting to Sir David that everything was looking a bit cosy in his relationship with companies: ‘Your job is to get as much out of the bastards as possible,’ Mitchell said charmingly.
As far as TS knows, Mitchell neither is an accountant nor is married to one.
Thirsty work
TS was delighted to be able to meet Man City chief exec Alistair Mackintosh, the accountant keeping a tight rein on the club’s finances.
A man keen on controls, he even provided the club’s departments with an accountant, to give a ‘bottom-up’ look at the club’s pecuniary diligence.
It does seem as if his penchant for controls has gone a bit too far though.
Offering TS a fizzy drink from a fridge in the home dressing room, Mackintosh found that it was all locked up, and he wasn’t allowed to be in permanent possession of the key.
A thirsty TS wonders if manager Stuart Pearce is getting more controlling in his old age.
Broadley not speaking
Philip Broadley was not at his most forthcoming on the avoidance issues behind the total tax contribution framework unveiled this week.
Here are the numbers, Philip said, make of them what you will. He really didn’t want to draw too many conclusions from them.
At one stage, when discussing whether or not the figures would lead to calls for wider-ranging accounting standards on tax, he went so far as to make a comic allusion.
‘As Ronnie Barker said: “I know my place”.’ So, he won’t be saying what he thinks. TS believes it was Ronnie Corbett, actually, but we won’t quibble.
If it wasn’t his place to comment on that, though, surely he could say whether or not the Pru would be following the total tax contribution idea in its accounts. Sadly, despite being the group’s FD, he didn’t want to talk about that either.
Was Philip entirely keen on the research, we wondered? It was, after all, his predecessor Jon Symonds’ idea.
How to lose popularity in the tax world
Adrian Walker could find himself alongside HMRC enforcer Dave Hartnett as one of the most unpopular men in accountancy, after talking at length about cheeky tax schemes that have been set up for the rich and famous on the Beeb's Money Programme last night.
The Jefferson Wells tax director stuck up for the Rev in its fight against other accounting firms that have the temerity to use 'artificial' tax deals for their clients, something that the Beeb said JW didn't do.
'Adrian Walker’s an accountant whose firm is dead against artificial avoidance tricks', the presenter opined. 'But he knows all about how they worked.'
Well bully for him. A few noses may well be out of joint among the Big Four this morning, TS thinks.
Finger food
TS was out and about with the stars of the accountancy world last night at trendy nightclub Paper in the heart of the West End, celebrating the new look Accountancy Age. Colin was there,as well and TS was sure we spotted Basil Fawlty, sorry Mike Warburton, in amongst the revellers.
Funniest moment of the night, however, belonged to a young lady from Deloitte, whose blushes TS will spare by not revealing her name.
Eager to sample the canapes, she reached for what she thought was a spring roll, only to find out that she was actually grabbing at the waitresses finger.
Mike Warburton, Colin and cannibalism - what more could you want from a party?
Colin on ringtones
To see the latest Colin cartoon strip click on the image to the left or here
Rockin’ ringtones
TS is always amused when Paddy Behan, VAT expert at Grant Thornton, encourages us to ‘keep the faith’ just before he signs off his phone calls. So the following should be of no surprise really.
While discussing the significance of the Halifax-ECJ decision, Paddy had to leave the office in a rush, but told us to call him on his mobile, promising he would turn it up loud to ensure he would hear it.
‘I’ll put it on Black Sabbath’s Paranoid, then I’ll be sure to hear you,’ Behan told us. Behan’s choice of the classic rock tune establishes him as a man of great taste in TS’ eyes, and also inspired us to start another one of our legendary, no prize, TS contests.
We’d love to hear from you which members of the profession have the most interesting, and perhaps inappropriate, ringtones.
Does Mike Rake’s phone play the infamous KPMG song on the train home? Does Mark Otty’s mobile blast out Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden, while he’s out jogging? Anyone with any information on the profession’s favourite ringtones post a comment here or email us and let us know.
Donovan’s new show ditched
Just over a year ago, Accountancy Age ran a profile of former soap star turned pop star turned West End star Jason Donovan, who had starred as an accountant in a new TV show.
The brainchild of ACCA chief executive Allen Blewitt Loot is the story of one man, a forensic accountant no less, and his various travails to uncover the truth.
Unfortunately for Blewitt, it looks like the pilot show was a one-off, after it was deemed ‘too highbrow’ for the barbie-loving Aussies. A shame, as Donovan seemed keen on the role: ‘It’s a human story about tragedy as a result of greed, and that can be found in many stories. It’s just that I happen to be wearing an accountant’s hat while telling it.’
Whatever hat he was wearing, it didn’t quite fit it seems. TS suggests that a little bit of lobbying in the direction of terrestrial channel Five, for a midday slot. TS has been invited to a screening and promises to post on the blog afterwards.
Hot gossip from the CIPFA party
Once again, thanks to our unrivalled access to the London party scene, TS brings you the news that Now and Heat magazine dare not print.
You can keep your Posh and Becks and your Preston and Chantelle, we say to our so-called rivals, for last week we found ourselves at the CIPFA annual dinner. And the guest list made up of those who do nothing but stalk the corridors of power, the lobbies of influence and the lift shafts of decisions was little short of the eighth wonder of the world.
But the highlight came in the bar afterwards. Huddled in the corner were none other than the chief executives of CIPFA, ICAEW and CIMA. Unfortunately, TS failed to get close enough to messers Freer, Anstee and Tilley to confirm the topic of conversation the lure of another gin and tonic saw to that.
But if the words ‘merger vote’, ‘by 2007’ and ‘let’s meet soon’ didn’t crop up, we’ll eat all three institute membership books.
New blood may surprise
The general perception of the ‘new generation’ of leaders of the profession, John Griffith-Jones and Mark Otty (pictured), is that KPMG’s Griffith-Jones the older and more experienced head will prove to be conservative, while Ermst &Young’s energetic long-distance runner Otty is more likely to be a radical.
TS has a sneaking suspicion that Otty may turn out to be like David Cameron, a new style disguising conservative ideas. Griffith-Jones rose to his chief executive role under Mike Rake’s watch, emerging not unlike Gordon Brown to Rake’s Blair.
Will he prove to be the radical nonetheless? Insiders describe him as shy. For public utterances, watch this space.
