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SOS: Save our Scruffy!
News has reached us that poor little cartoon dog Scruffy has fallen into the hands of a vicious accountant and could be in terrible danger.
TS is literally too upset to go into the specifics but we are counting on our readers to help prevent a bad situation getting any worse.
For full details on the terrible situation click here.
Tweedie's diary alarming
When you are a jet-setting figurehead of the global accounting profession, its pretty certain that you diary is going to be very full most of the time. So much so that, with all the best intentions in the world, it is difficult for you give up much time to spend talking to journalists.
So when TS got the chance to have a chat with Sir David Tweedie in between finishing yet another board meeting and jetting off to another far-flung location, we grabbed it with both hands.
Unfortunately, even when you do manage to get him on the phone, things still manage to conspire against you. During a chat about the recent convergence announcement, Sir David and TS were rudely interrupted by the setting off of a very loud alarm at the IASB headquarters, hastening Sir David's dash out the building and no doubt onto another airplane.
TS assumes that what it heard was a fire alarm, but is still left with the nagging possibility that it was indeed Sir David's own regular warning bell telling him to get off the phone and into a taxi. A big man needs a big alarm after all.
ICAEW shows some CPD heart
TS has some good news. We know that it's a rare thing, but sometimes it must be done.
If you saw the tale of woe in Accountancy Age last week regarding long-time ICAEW member Anthony Headland, who quit the ICAEW because of his concerns over undertaking hours and hours of CPD at his 'mature' stage of life, you will be delighted to know that it has been resolved.
Hastily-made calls from the institute have convinced Anthony to rejoin.
It seems there's still confusion about the effect of CPD upon some of their members.
Auditor's trail of destruction
TS has always thought that the mark of a good auditor is the ability to say calm and collected in the toughest of situations. A certain coolness is required to maintain that sense of objectivity and independence.
Unfortunately this isn't always the case once they are out of the office, as has been proved by auditor Jason Lonsdale, who has been given a nine-month suspended jail sentence for trashing his ex-lover's home.
Lonsdale was sentenced at Burnley Crown Court after breaking into the Barnoldswick home of Wendy Crowe, a previous sweetheart of two years, daubing insulting and offensive graffiti on her walls and leaving offensive messages on her answering machine.
Heavy drinking at a Christmas do had thrown Lonsdale into a fit of jealousy, and the judge admitted the turn was out of character, hence the suspended sentence.
TS just wonders whether the case painted a 'true and fair view' of Lonsdale.
Colin on Bird Flu
Click on the cartoon strip or here to read the latest Colin
Rubbed up the wrong way
TS never misses the opportunity to have a childish giggle, so we whooped with delight when we saw HMRC was hammering a massage parlour over its VAT bill at the Royal Courts of Justice.
The court documents are a masterpiece of prim understatement: ‘Salon 24 trades as a massage parlour. The services that masseuses provide are of a different nature from pure massage. The services, if not those of prostitution, are akin to it,’ it says. It also gives a pretty good description of the way the, ahem, ‘services’ worked, including the mention of a ‘fetish room’.
The parlour wanted to argue that car parking and other perks it offered to the masseuses were exempt from VAT, that they were not part of the business activity but just rights to land that they held. In an unexpected blow, the court told them to stick it.
Not a happy finish for the Salon.
Lost excuse for not tipping
Over the past year, TS has been using the same excuse for not leaving tips at restaurants, namely that the money would most likely be used to illegally avoid paying National Insurance Contributions. After all, this is what we were being told by the Revenue.
But TS and HMRC are now a bit red faced, after the taxman admitted getting it wrong, and that tip schemes called troncs could be used to top up wages to minimum levels without paying NICs.
HMRC may have agreed to pay back the fines dished out, but TS is going to have to think up another blinding excuse for not leaving tips. ‘The soup was a bit cold’ wears thin after a while.
Merger madness 2
‘Here we go again’, TS can hear you cry. Just when you thought all the talk of institutes merging with each other had died down, it returns with a vengeance, like an ex who won’t abide by the restraining order.
Even the most ardent dissenting voices over the ICAEW and CIPFA merger would have expected the topic to raise its head again at some point or other. After all, the English (and Welsh) institute seems to have one every decade or so. But ICAEW chief executive Eric Anstee may go for another vote on the merger as early as next year.
The message didn’t get across last time about the benefits of a merger, he claims. Whether Anstee will have better luck next time remains to be seen, but TS is sure going to enjoy the ride again.
Lay-ing bets on Enron accused
Out of tragedy comes opportunity, says TS in more philosophical moments. Take Enron, for example. While former bosses Lay and Skilling are currently facing a jury trial over their part in the energy giant’s downfall, their skill in creating energy trading markets has inspired others.
Intrade a Dublin-based futures market is allowing investors to wager on whether they will be convicted on fraud and conspiracy charges. Lawyers for the men have predictably criticised the actions of the market, with Daniel Petrocelli reportedly stating that it was ‘abhorrent’ and should be illegal.
Sometimes though, TS just gets the feeling that maybe they were slightly irked they didn’t think of the idea first.
Putt your taxes in order
Golf and accountancy are certainly not uncomfortable bedfellows. TS can only imagine how many deals are struck around the course or at the 19th hole. That’s no doubt why Accountancy Age is holding a Masters Golf Tournament in May, where TS will be hacking away in bunkers and swearing loudly.
But the golf accountancy link goes even further. So much so that Ian Fleming (not that one obviously) from Armstrong Watson has written a book about ‘the turbulent history and pitfalls encountered by golf clubs from a VAT point of view’.
‘I’m a keen golfer and although it may seem odd, golf clubs have had a lot of problems with VAT since the system started,’ explains Fleming.
A Walk down the Fairway of Value Added Tax can be purchased direct from Spiramus Press at £16.95.
For more on the Accountancy Age Masters go to www.accountancyage.com/golfmasters
Bank fancies change, after 86 years
Every now and then TS fancies a change. You know the thing, having a ham and brie sandwich instead of the normal ham and cheddar for lunch. So it's really no surprise that long standing institutions do the same from time to time.
Look at the Bank of England. It fancied a change of auditor after 86 years, meaning poor old PricewaterhouseCoopers, which had been with the bank since records began, was left holding the door open for KPMG as it exited the building, metaphorically speaking.
'It's standard practice to go through a change of auditors,' said the Bank. TS would love to see the bank's procedures for auditor selection as penned in 1920. No doubt it will read something like: 'Our decision to appoint an external auditor will be reviewed in 2006'.
Still, we all need to clear out the cobwebs from time to time. The move has inspired TS to finally chuck out those platform heels we purchased in 1973 after seeing Slade on Top of the Pops. But we will miss wearing them.
Sugar spun in wrong direction
Readers of TS over the years will be aware that we are no strangers to exploiting populist themes for our own advantage. TV shows are a particular favourite, and from time to time we've even been contacted by programme producers who want to get accountants to sign up for their latest brainwave of a reality TV show.
And in hanging on the coattails of telly hits, we are certainly not alone. Take the latest piece of research from the Association of Accounting Technicians ahead of the premiere of the second series of 'The Apprentice' (on Wednesday 22 February).
In it, the body asked 130 of its members, who are or have been apprentices, who they thought should have won the first series out of the final five contestants . Apparently they preferred James rather than actual winner Tim. It seems, from this study, that Alan Sugar got it wrong, which for some strange reason just doesn't shock us.
If TS had watched the show, we may have passed comment on this view, but instead we will simply stick to extracting the Michael out of spurious surveys.
If anyone else has views on any of last year's winner, or even the new series, feel free to post them below. Just click on the comment button.
Colin on Valentines Day
Click on the cartoon strip or here to read Colin's latest adventure
I’ll name that Toon in one
TS knows what a difficult job IASB chairman Sir David Tweedie has. Imagine BP chief executive Lord Browne taking a swipe at your standards, and analysts whining about IAS39 week in and week out.
As tough as Sir David’s role is, though, there is still one job the standard-setting chief is keen to avoid. Sir David, you see, is a Newcastle United fan and was recently asked whether he was considering taking over from ousted manager Graeme Souness.
Wisely, TS reckons, Sir David declined. After all, the Geordies haven’t won a trophy since 1969 when they beat the mighty Ujpesti Dosza. Fair value accounting and embedded derivatives seem like a walk in the park when compared with trying to win another trophy for the Toon Army.
More than a job’s worth
TS recently asked readers to send in ridiculous business qualification acronyms, such as ACIT, or those with the biggest number of titles tagged on to their business cards.
The Prince’s Foundation for the Built Environment FD Neil Goulder admitted that he was once an Associate of the Chartered Institute of Transport, while Rupen Mullick said all accountants should be ACIT: able, competent, intelligent and thorough.
However, the person who impressed us the most was Kenneth Kilvington who, alongside his degree, masters and philosophy doctorate, has seven, yes SEVEN, professional qualifications as well, making his business card look somewhat cluttered to say the least. Here we go… FCMA, FCCA, ACIS, MIMC, CMC, MCMI and, finally, FRSA…phew! Just don’t ask TS what they all mean.
Stationery problem has silver (and fruit) lining
It appears that TS has been duped. Last week your faithful back page reported that costs at Deloitte were so tightly controlled that employees had to pop down to Ryman to buy their own stationery.
Since then, not only has TS received a magnificent silver Hallmark letter opener from the Big Four firm, a sure sign that the stationery cupboards are overflowing, it has also been informed that in certain departments employees also receive free fruit on a daily basis.
This has left TS feeling slightly ashamed and a little envious. A large fruit basket would make TS feel a lot better. You all know the address.
Payroll IT in ill-health?
TS enjoyed an extremely pleasant lunch with senior honchos at IT systems supplier Oracle last week. It was interesting to hear how much progress has been made on the company’s payroll system products, in particular.
Everything appeared to be in order until, on returning to TS Towers, it was discovered that the National Audit Office had qualified the accounts of the health service’s helpline NHS Direct with a comment that it had failed to keep proper records of its payroll costs.
Of course, it later occurred to us that the software for the aforementioned payroll system was provided by none other than our dining partner Oracle.
Colin Firewalking
Click on the cartoon strip or here to see Colin's latest exploits
Click here to read about Deloitte's firewalking incident.
Puzzling time for ICAEW
Having attended the odd ICAEW council meeting or two, TS knows that sometimes proceedings can be a little dull. On occasion we’ve found ourselves staring off into the distance and before we knew it, waking up in an empty hall.
We would expect some of the more senior members of the profession to be a little more enthused by the goings-on at the council, however.
TS observed one attendee, who shall remain nameless, concentrating furiously on something in front of them. On closer inspection it was not the council notes but a Sudoku puzzle in a daily national paper.
TS only hopes they had no difficulty in completing the numbers game otherwise questions over their competency might rustle their way through the corridors of the institute.
Caught with his pants down
With the memory of the PwC panto still fresh in the mind, the recent description of the events surrounding the OFR as a farce got TS to thinking that this might not be a bad idea.
Bear with us here, but TS thinks all the ingredients are there for a smashing show. We open with DTI secretary Alan Johnson and his business chums having a nice cup of tea and chatting about the OFR.
Unfortunately, following a hilarious misunderstanding possibly involving some red tape, Gordon Brown scraps the plans, sparking an invasion of the stage by environmental activists.
Cue Johnson running around the stage with his pants round his ankles trying to sort everything out.
TS is waiting to see the final outcome before finishing the script. Any suggestions are welcome, simply click on the comment link below.
Deloitte stops stationery?
As a lowly wage slave, TS is no stranger to being overworked and paying for its own stamps on business correspondence. It was with great relief, and some measure of surprise, when TS was told it was not alone when it comes to penny-pinching bosses.
Sources advised TS that despite revenues of £1.3bn, Big Four firm Deloitte still won’t cough up to buy its staff a few pencils and a notepad. ‘It is well known that the first stop you make when you are assigned to a Deloitte audit is Ryman to buy some stationery,’ a partner at a rival Big Four firm said.
A Deloitte spokeswoman said the firm had plenty of stationery cupboards, but didn’t mention if they were full.
Bill needs a super tax computer
Working out your taxes can be a bit of a headache, that’s why accountants make so much money from it. And given the recent tax credits fiasco, it seems the tax man can have problems with individual filings as well.
So when you are dealing with the richest man in the world, you have to take extra special measures to get it right. That’s why the IRS in the US has had to splash out on a special computer to deal with the tax return from Microsoft supremo Bill Gates.
Bill told a conference in Lisbon that his fortune was just too big for the normal computers at the tax office to deal with. Unfortunately and those that deal with the Rev here will sympathise the IRS sometimes gets confused and forgets that the computer exists, sending Bill out incorrect bills. One thing he didn’t mention was which operating system this wonderful machine runs on.
For more on this and Bill's chum Larry Ellison click here.
Brat camp for Varney?
Does Sir David Varney have some beef with MPs that we don’t know about? TS only asks because he often acts churlish with them at select committees, answering their questions in a sullen fashion, as if they were being impertinent.
At last week’s Public Accounts Committee meeting, Sir David moaned that this was his ninth appearance before a select committee in the 170 days parliament had been sitting. And then, when asked a perfectly reasonable question about what happened if he failed to meet public service agreement targets, he said childishly: ‘I guess I’ll just have a less pleasurable visit to you than I might do otherwise.’ Cue muted laughter.
Is Varney the Kevin the Teenager of the tax world?
Boozer buy gives NHS bailiff hangover
On occasion we all find ourselves splashing out on something a bit lavish on a whim, only to regret it at a later date when the wolves are at the door. TS is still paying (heavily) for its decision back in the 80s to buy and customize a Pontiac Trans-Am to look like KITT from Knight Rider. We may have no food in the cupboard, but still look the business cruising around town on a Sunday afternoon.
But its not just people who can find themselves in the clarts on an impulse buy. It seems NHS trusts can too. The University Hospitals of Leicester trust recently had the bailiffs round after failing to pay for, among other things, its purchase of the Pride of Leicester pub. We are led to understand that the pub was bought as part of a plan to expand the Royal Infirmary, but TS suspects otherwise.
What better way to keep an eye on the student doctors and nurses than to give them their own drinking hole?
The trust had also, less interestingly, failed to pay its business rates and the men in black coats didn't leave the headquarters of the body until the bills had been paid. Well, at least they have a place to drown their sorrows in.
Accounting troubles for IT glitterati
Hot on the heels of that, we see a story about another IT mega millionaire (and Gates' main rival) Larry Ellison, who has been having a spot of bother with his finances. Apparently his lavish lifestyle meant that he was close to breaching his $1bn credit limit on several occasions. TS has no problems with living it up, we just want to find out where you can get that kind of facility from a short notice. It might stop those large men dressed in black knocking at the door day and night.
TS was perusing pages of The Inquirer, which we can now proudly call our sister site, when it came across this little gem about Bill Gates and the IRS supercomputer to calculate his taxes. You have to wonder if the Rev would employ the same tactic here for the rich and famous, and if it did whether it would manage it without the computer exploding or some such.
Deloitte stops staff barbeque
We've all heard stories about the potentially miraculous power of the mind over matter, but TS still isn't really sure if this has a place in the world of accountancy. The latest story to come our way doesn't do anything to change this view.
A senior Deloitte accountant was taken to hospital and was out of work for two weeks following a, shall we say unusual, accident in a Southwark car park.
A part of a confidence-building event, the poor soul suffered some nasty burns after attempting a bit of firewalking. Apparently this is normally quite a safe exercise but the victim had unfortunately been given a pedicure a few days previously and the chemicals used seem to have made her feet a lot more sensitive to the hot embers.
The company responsible for the exercise, Si Group, has been fined after admitting it did not carry out adequate risk assessment.
Fortunately, Deloitte has now poured cold water on this activity. TS reckons this is probably just as well or its staff may start hotfooting it to less fiery firms.
Colin on carousel fraud
Click on the cartoon strip to view a larger image
Oh no he didn’t!
Old Kieran Poynter had a panto, e-i-e-i-o. And in that panto a tax partner acted, e-i-e-i-o. With a John Whiting here, a John Whiting there, here a John, there a John, everywhere a John John. TS will calm down now.
But it has been hard to unwind after the excitement of last week’s PricewaterhouseCoopers panto. John Whiting and Gerry Lagerberg, the partner cameos, were superb (though they didn’t quite master the dance steps).
Whiting told TS afterwards that he had ad-libbed most of his lines too, making the achievement even more spectacular in our view. Can he now make the transfer from stage to screen, that’s what TS wants to know.
For some of the ‘adult-style’ jokes presented by the PwC players, click on this link.
Boardroom antics
Recent behaviour has raised an eyebrow or two in TS Towers, as left-wing MPs have extolled the virtues of British boardrooms, holding them up as an example of good governance that Tony Blair should follow.
Nine MPs have signed a Commons motion arguing that ‘modest changes are required’ to enable the cabinet to operate on the basis of the Combined Code of Corporate Governance 2003 and the Companies Act 1985. They point out that both the Hutton and Butler inquiries revealed only three of 17 meetings at Downing Street each day had recorded minutes.
TS wonders what the shareholders would say about this…but hold on isn’t that all of us?...yes it is and what happened to the dividends?
A clear cut case of avoision
Is carousel fraud a question of tax avoidance or tax evasion?
That’s the quandary some advisers are supposed to be in (though TS has yet to locate any) if HM Revenue & Customs is to be believed. When HMRC has been holding meetings with firms about the subject (it is trying to get them to issue statements condemning the frauds), Chris Tailby has been present.
That’s the Chris Tailby who is head of anti-avoidance at HMRC, and nothing to do with evasion.
A charitable view might be that Tailby is looking to expand his role, as TS is loathe to suggest that HMRC would possibly be trying to blur a few boundaries…of course it wouldn’t. Not a chance. Absolutely no way.
Will Tenon's MBO (Mc)Fly?
A proposed MBO, an under-performing share price and chunky debt have all combined to keep possibly soon-to-be delisted accounting firm Tenon in the headlines.
The speculation and rumour has had TS gasping for more a bit like the latest Arctic Monkeys video. In the midst of the developments at Chiltern Street, TS happened to stumble across the fact that Tenon worked with a number of music acts, helping them to secure finance for recordings.
It turns out that one of Tenon’s clients used to be now defunct boy band Busted a bit like the accounting firm’s performance on the stock (Aitken & Waterman) market, isn’t it?
The ultimate con-artist
TS was intrigued by the story of conman Timothy Worel, who passed himself off as a ‘highly qualified individual in accountancy’, according to prosecutor Leighton Hughes.
Worel was given a two-year sentence after dishonestly placing a string of meaningless letters on his business card, while committing seven trade description offences, including making false statements and trying to defraud. Worel also lied about having an Open University science degree, and invented a CV to get a job with an Essex firm.
Hughes told the court one of the bogus qualifications on the cards used the letters ACIT, stating: ‘Whatever this means, it has nothing to do with accountancy.’
TS wondered if anyone out there had an ACIT qualification, or if your business card has a long stream of qualifications? Let TS know by posting your comments below.
Top ten firm in scam shocker
TS is sure by now most of you have come across the odd message in your inbox offering you the opportunity to get hold of millions of pounds. The Nigerian 419 scam, as it is known, tempts the gullible by offering a share in a fairly dodgy windfall by simply providing your bank account details. Your account is then emptied.
But this morning TS received such an offer claiming to be from Richard Champion, head of finance at Smith & Williamson, causing significant coffee spillage.
A call to the firm obviously confirmed that S&W and Champion had absolutely nothing to do with the email. In fact, the firm has been used in this way by scammers before, although it is only recently that the real name of a firm member has been used.
S&W is on top of the situation, having informed the police and clients about the deception.
But just for one fleeting fraction of a second, TS thought its long hours of schmoozing contacts in the profession might finally have paid off big time.
