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Sink or swim for SA system
TS understands that HMRC thinks that its self assessment online filing system is going to going to handle tonight's inevitable deluge swimmingly.
A chat with the venerable agency earlier today revealed that HMRC staff are 'smiling, but not laughing yet' as its systems continue to hold firm against a swathe of last minute SA filings.
Then again, it could easily be argued that those systems should be designed with the issue of last minute filers in mind, and should therefore be prepared to manage a rush of taxpayers, eager to hand over their lolly to the rev. Of course that's not necessarily the view of TS, we won't pass judgment until tomorrow.
Come back then for an update.
PwC Panto pours on the sauce
Last week's PricewaterhouseCoopers panto was the filthiest ever, according to experts on the annual show (ie TS).
Like the News of The World on disgraced Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten, TS cannot bring itself to describe the unspeakable sexual acts that were referenced during the performance. The panto dame, suffice it to say, was also quite shocked, falling as she did to her knees.
But most flabbergasting of all was the description of Silly Billy, the king's servant, who in collecting the town's rent was described as 'the best rent boy we've ever had.'
TS hopes that the 500 or so school kids that went home that night didn't ask: 'What's a rent boy, mummy?'
Another act in Panorama drama
Panorama's foray into carousel fraud is not the only feature length exploration of the murkier worlds of tax that advisers can expect to see on television over the next few months.
TS understands that a team over at the BBC Money programme are also looking into the tax world, into tax avoidance in particular.
Expect a run though of all your favourite scams, sorry schemes, probably in March.
Tax will well and truly be centre stage over the next few months.
Accountancy Big Brother?
TS has been watching the antics of cute and cuddly Pete Burns, Michael Barrymore et al in the Big Brother household with great interest, which has got those within TS Towers thinking what a Big Brother for accountants would be like!
First in the house would be HMRC firebrands Dave Hartnett and Chris Tailby, providing loads of entertainment when pitted against KPMG’s tax expert Loughlin Hickey and his Deloitte counterpart Bill Dodwell.
Then for his sheer uniqueness Ken Frost, he of the anti-ICAEW/CIPFA merger blog, would be an automatic choice.
And what would a BB house be without some institute rivalry between ICAEW head Eric Anstee, ICAS boss Des Hudson and CIMA chief executive Charles Tilley.
TS can see it now, Burns would be put to shame.
ASB is dull: official
TS gained a fascinating insight into the inside workings of the UK Accounting Standards Board at its public meeting last week.
While board sessions are currently held behind closed doors, the organisation recently made the move to make the meeting’s minutes available to the public.
Welcoming the move, Ron Hodges, public sector accounting boffin at Sheffield University, said that, although he had not read the latest minutes, ‘I hope they are not too dull, although I suspect they might be’.
Responding to the slight, Ian Mackintosh, the ASB’s no-nonsense Aussie leader, said: ‘You should try being at the meetings.’
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
HM Revenue & Customs faces an amusing little problem.
A fortnight ago it won a crucial victory in its battle against offshore tax fraud, earning the right to peruse the customer details of an unnamed bank.
The problem is, the ‘Inland Revenue side’ is not allowed to share any information that may be of relevance with its ‘Customs’ colleagues.
‘Before the merger it could have done so under a statutory provision,’ the court documents say.
Chinese walls gone mad or two departments’ worth of red tape for the price of one, asks TS?
So much for the merger’s supposed synergies.
Beam me up, Scotty
TS hears HM Revenue & Customs compared to many things, mostly body parts and functions that should not be discussed in polite company.
But a recent conversation led to HMRC’s IT systems described in such a way that it immediately evoked an image of the USS Enterprise’s constantly under-the-cosh engine room.
Derek Allen, head of taxation at ICAS, told TS that, when it came to online filing, HMRC’s systems ‘could not handle it’.
This statement was phrased in such a way as to bring back memories of Scotty battling to save the Enterprise from certain doom.
Perhaps HMRC is short of a dilithium crystal or two.
'He’s behind‘ you!’
TS can almost hear the drum rolls. The orchestra is about to strike up, the curtains set to draw, to reveal: the PricewaterhouseCoopers panto is here!
A worrying thought did occur to us, though. Tax supremo John Whiting is appearing, thanks to pressure from TS Towers. What happens if, at 7pm on the evening of the show, Gordon Brown abolishes income tax and John is required to go on the Beeb to explain it?
‘It might save the Beeb some money on make up if I’m already made up,’ he said, before admitting that his panto get-up might be a bit more ‘ornate’ than that required for a one-to-one with Huw Edwards.
Ultimately, he thinks he would ditch the media for the stage. ‘The show must go on,’ he thesped.
An opportunity for all budding media accountants to steal Whiting's role explaining tax to the masses, TS thinks.
Colin on anti-avoidance
Click on the cartoon strip image to see a larger version
Don’t mention the Warburton
Stephen Williams, the MP profiled on pages 14-15 in this week’s issue, told TS that he used to work for mid-tier firm Grant Thornton in Cheltenham. What you may not realise is that this is also the domain of TS favourite Mike Warburton.
‘Mike is probably the nicest person I ever worked for. The most motivational, but also frustrating, Basil Fawlty type. He was good to work for,’ Williams says.
Basil Fawlty? TS can just about see the likeness but who does that make Williams? Manuel? And who on earth takes the enviable role as Sybil?
Just try not to mention Arctic Systems to Mike. We did once, but we think we got away with it.
How to lose friends in tax
Occasionally TS goes through a bout of self-loathing. There’s just nothing else we can think of, other than what a terrible, horrible nasty gossip column we are.
If you have similar negative feelings about yourself then you might like to consider a new job that’s just popped up on the HMRC website. The salary? £75,000. The place? London. And the job? Anti-avoidance adviser.
Yup, anyone who wants to turn gamekeeper, and earn the disrespect of all of their current colleagues might like to consider the job. The department is looking for ‘people with recent commercial experience’, a spokeswoman says, so that it can ‘be one step ahead’ of the industry. Knock yourselves out.
Something’s up at E&Y
Has someone put something in the coffee at Ernst & Young lately?
TS only asks because it recently came across rumours that E&Y’s strategic review at Thomas Cook could result in the sell off of naughty subsidiary Club 18-30, famous for its boozy night-time antics (read our blog entry on it here).
Then we hear that the shortlist of two potential candidates for the sale of titles the firm is organising from Highbury House includes porn publisher Remnant Media. Remnant recently bought 40 titles from Daily Express owner Richard Desmond, including such luminary brands as Asian Babes and Readers Wives.
Perhaps E&Y could set up a division to specifically deal with the more saucy side of business. As far as someone to head it up goes, TS wonders if Jodie Marsh has an accounting qualification she’s hiding in those belts of hers.
Top billing from BDO
We all know that BDO is trying to take on the Big Four, at least in some areas, and it looks as if the mid-tier firm could also be after some of its staff. TS was taking its usual route to work when it occurred to us that the bulk of BDO’s recruitment advertising seemed to centre around Charing Cross station, a short hop from the HQ of the UK’s top accounting firm.
So are there any major Big Four offices around, or under, the station, that BDO might want to target?
Jeremy Newman, head honcho at BDO, tells TS that the ads are targeted ‘at major stations’. The point, he says, is that commuters in will see the ads and realise that, if they worked for BDO, they could work from one of BDO’s many offices nearer to their homes.
TS suspects that if those commuters just happen to be on their way to work at 1 Embankment Place, BDO would not be too upset.
Storm in a teapot
Talk of an ICAEW/IFA ‘alliance’ has become an even hotter topic in TS Towers than our frequent discussions on the proliferation of television antiques shows.
Amazingly, a recent chat with IFA chief executive Malcolm Dean revealed a link between our two favourite conversations. Dean, it turns out, is a keen collector of teapots you know, the nice little antique types you often see on Flog It!, Bargain Hunt and the myriad other auction shows that flood our screens. Sorry, TS is digressing again.
Anyway, Dean admitted to TS that one potential bargain he got his hands on, the purchase of a nice Clarice Cliff pot, proved to be a dud. Hopefully there’s no analogy between that and discussions between the institutes.
More Enron winners than losers?
Indeed, a veritable cottage industry has sprung up since the Enron debacle, including a Playboy video featuring former Enron employees (Women of Enron), a rap single Corporate America by former employee David Tonsall, singing as N Run, and no less than 10 books. Given the energy giant's collapse left tens of billions of dollars of debt among institutional stakeholders, smaller shareholders - and Enron staff lacking in severance pay – perhaps prosecutors should be looking to garner some kind of return from the post-Enron economy.
With just two weeks to go until Enron bosses Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling face trial over alleged financial shenanigans, TS noted with interest that a US movie documentary called 'Enron, The Smartest Guys in the Room' is set to be released on DVD.
Yes! Brummie accountants get prog rock treat
In the world of accountancy, nothing can usually top the Accountancy Age Awards for glitz and glamour. The prestigious location (in a tent in Battersea Park), the attendance of great and the good of the accountancy world and especially the guest presenters (which have included Ian Hislop, Rory Bremner and Jack Dee in recent years) are hard to beat.
But TS has to take its hat off and admit defeat this year after reading about the Birmingham & West Midlands Society of Chartered Accountants Awards.
Guest of honour at the ceremony on 7 April will be none other than 70's prog rock legend Rick Wakeman.
That's right, the former Yes keyboard maestro will be in attendance, along with 400 guests, at the International Convention Centre in England's second city, though TS can't promise he will be wearing his famous wizard's robes.
Fear not dear readers, TS has plans to outdo these upstarts. Here starts the campaign to get Electric Light Orchestra playing at this year's awards ceremony.
Deloitte: protecting you from porn
While one Big Four seems to be diving headfirst into the ruder side of the business world at the moment, another is determined to make its cash with a more prim view of things.
As Ernst & Young messes around with Club 18-30 and porn publishers, Deloitte has launched a new audit service that detects illicit images being viewed on computers in the workplace.
The Irish part of the firm has teamed up with a software developer that can scan over 80 image and file formats for naughty pics in order to 'protect employees' from exposure to such wickedness. After all TS hears it can warp the brain and make you go blind.
Thank you Deloitte, you have once again saved the moral fibre of the nation. Now, when are you going to have a word with one of your rivals?
Accountant suffers Xmas bash
While the office Christmas party may just be a distant memory for some (apart from TS, which is still waiting with baited breath for the Accy Age bash - sometime in Feb probably), and a hazy one at that, others will find it a little more difficult to forget.
David Budge, managing director of Manchester-based Catering Design Services, for instance will have trouble forgetting his company do, after receiving a four-month suspended sentence for beating up accountant David Jones in an unprovoked attack at the party.
Jones was stamped on by his boss as he lay groaning on the floor, according to this story, and received £500 in compensation from his assailant for the trouble.
Now TS knows that accountants, despite being in what is regarded as a boring profession, can still arouse violent actions in others, but even this seemed over the top to us. Perhaps we should start a campaign to protect the accountants, or they could soon become an endangered species.
E&Y gets teeth into saucy holidays
TS, a once-keen partygoer in Ibiza, and former frequenter of the Costa Del Sol and Majorca during the heady days of the '80s, was stirred to read today that cheeky Club 18-30, the holiday company that gained a 'certain reputation' for its drinking, and erm...other things, could be sold after the accountants got involved.
Those lucky guys and gals at Ernst & Young are currently undertaking a strategic review for Club 18-30 owners Thomas Cook which has thrown up the possibility of the £30m sale of 18-30 and three other subsidiaries.
TS just wonders what this strategic review involved. Could they be checking that 18-30 holiday reps aren't wasting precious assets by missing the mouths of holiday-goers while pouring Sangria down their throats on the infamous booze cruises?
Senior partners playing a game of pass the balloon without your hands by a swimming pool in Magaluf also provokes quite an evocative image, doesn't it?
Hartnett jumps Arctic gun
Everyone is eagerly awaiting HMRC's decision on Arctic Systems, and nobody seems to know when it is coming.
That includes, it seems, Dave Hartnett, director general of HM Revenue & Customs.
In a meeting earlier today, Hartnett, TS is told, was asked when the decision was out. Hartnett replied it was already out – 'it came out yesterday', apparently.
Not according to us, Dave. Still waiting, as it happens.
UPDATE: The rev is going to appeal the ruling, or at least appeal the decision to refuse an appeal on Arctic. Perhaps it's not that much of a surprise that Hartnett wanted the news out earlier.
Tenon chief has change of heart
TS knows that journalists can be a fickle bunch, but this week the management team at Tenon put the hacks to shame when they announced their intentions to pursue a management buy-out.
Just three months ago senior figures were adamant in their commitment to staying listed on AIM. Speaking to Accountancy Age in October, when Tenon released final results, chief executive Andy Raynor said rumours that Tenon may go private were 'unfounded'.
'We are dedicated to increasing real shareholder value and repeat our stated objective to achieve this by all available means,' Raynor proclaimed. Ah well, times change, people change. Raynor is now part of the MBO team. TS wishes him and his colleagues all the best as they attempt to take Tenon private.
Colin on the Lib-Dems
Click on the cartoon strip to see a bigger image.
2,606 years in the making
Here at TS, we are partial to the odd moan or two at the Rev, as no doubt are many of our readers. But, while we may think the taxman is a bit behind the times on occasion, it is lightning quick compared to some of its international counterparts.
News reaches us from China, via returning tax whiz Anne Redston, that the Chinese government has agreed to change its tax system by removing the levy on agricultural workers after agreeing with those afflicted that it was indeed burdensome.
This is good news for the agricultural workers no doubt but you could argue that the victory has been long fought.
The tax was originally introduced in around 600BC.
Stars in the eyes
The PwC panto will soon be upon us. The good people of the nation’s largest accounting firm will be appearing on stage to perform Jack and the Beanstalk before an enthusiastic audience later this month.
TS has a ticket, and will be shouting ‘He’s behind you!’ with the best of them.
Among those appearing, TS can reveal, are senior staff members such as Peter Holgate and David Phillips from the assurance practice, and Richard Collier-Keywood and John Whiting from the tax practice.
They are playing prisoners (accountants in jail, what’s all that about?) and will, TS is told, have the opportunity of singing a famous Nolan Sisters song.
TS can’t reveal exactly what that is, but we are sure they will be giving it all from their heads to their toes.
Choppy waters for Langbar
When corporate recovery veteran David Buchler was called in to sort out the mess at suspended cash shell Langbar International, investors hailed his appointment as the first step in unpacking exactly how a £365m deposit that was sitting in a Brazilian bank account one day was gone the next.
Finding an appointment in Buchler’s diary, however, proved to be almost as difficult as locating the missing cash. Eventually investors did get to sit down with Mr Buchler, but only after he had shuffled and reshuffled his diary to accommodate a speaking engagement at a boat show on Friday last week.
Not only is Buchler good at keeping companies afloat, he is also the chairman of boat agency Ventura Maritime. TS wishes him all the best in navigating Langbar through some very stormy waters.
ECJ party poopers
Spare a thought for Simon Whitehead of Dorsey & Whitney, the lawyer handling many of the group litigation orders against the government. Important hearings and decisions in various cases will mean that Simon will be spending both 31 January and 23 February at the European Court of Justice this year.
Unfortunately for him, these dates happen to be his birthday and wedding anniversary. ‘It’s the second birthday I’ve spent at the ECJ,’ Whitehead tells TS.
With dedication like that, Gordon Brown should have good reason to be worried about the GLOs’ outcomes.
Making his Mark
Exciting times and Liberal Democrats aren’t phrases you normally see in the same sentence. But little is normal in politics’ centre ground these days. As Lembit Opik said in the wake of Charles Kennedy’s resignation: ‘We are the nice party. Yet MPs were in effect stabbing their leader in the back.’
Now the race to find a new leader is on. And as TS was going to press, an unfamiliar hat was thrown into the ring that of Mark Oaten, who despite being the party’s home affairs spokesman is little known outside of the Westminster village.
TS remembers Mark when he was but a humble public relations consultant, working for Westminster Communications in the early 1990s plugging, of all things, the Audit Commission and CIPFA.
TS’ memory is sketchy these days so anyone who remembers Mark’s accountancy stint, do get in touch.
Colin's post-Xmas regret
Click on the image of the cartoon strip to read Colin's latest adventure
TS is banker's choice for inside track
Despite its modesty, TS would be the first to point out that this column is the best informed, wittiest and most insightful gossip column on the planet.
But we were surprised last week when, in the wake of the M&S verdict, a major investment bank (that shall, to spare blushes, remain nameless) rang up to ask us what the potential significance of the case would be to European exchequers.
TS blagged it like the best of them, but it prompted a thought. Perhaps your friendly gossip chum could move into the lucrative world of investment banking? Anyone looking for M&A advice, a broker, or perhaps a nice juicy IPO or share placing, you know who to call.
No accident?
TS has heard on the wind that the Big Four are a little more sympathetic to each other’s plight than you may initially think.
Despite joint liquidator Begbies’ success in gaining ‘unfettered’ access to KPMG’s audit files on claims company The Accident Group, fellow joint liquidator PricewaterhouseCoopers was a bit more ‘reticent’ in fighting for exposure, according to those in the know. Apparently PwC, also known to work on an audit or two, baulked at pushing for another auditor to be ‘laid bare’.
Nice to know the big boys (and girls) can be friendly to each other sometimes?
Connolly uses artistic licence
Deloitte’s mid-year results may have spared the Big Four firm a few blushes. It revealed a 15% growth in fees, vastly improving on the 8% it announced for its last full year in 2004/05.
Why embarrassing? Well, TS recently came across a rather interesting book of portraits of British businessman, complete with a note from one of TS’s favourite accounting characters, Deloitte chairman John Connolly.
‘As the fastest growing major business advisory firm in the UK,’ John begins in the blurb.
But looking at the figures this seemed somewhat innacurate, even to the warped mind of TS.
In 2004/05, Deloitte grew by 8%, PwC by 13%, E&Y by 15% and KPMG by 20%. ‘Slowest growing major business advisory firm’ just wouldn’t quite have had the same ring, we reckon.
Hangover blues
Following overindulgence on mince pies and sherry during the festive season, it can often take TS a little while to get back on an even keel. Somehow, we managed to make it back into the office and now even look busy. For some, however, the Christmas hangover can last much longer.
According to Grant Thornton, there will be nearly 20,000 personal insolvencies in the first three months of 2006, and around a third of these will be a direct result of excessive spending on presents and celebrating.
TS could have gone the same way until it came up with a brilliant idea. Old copies of Accountancy Age can, with a bit of imagination, be made into excellent Christmas decorations and presents for the whole family. Those in danger of falling into the insolvency trap should think about that for next year.
Happy New Year!
Having just stumbled into the office after the mother of all journo New Year bashes (a story we may have to save for much later) TS just thought we would wish our esteemed readers a belated happy and prosperous 2006.
In line with the annual tradition of January resolutions, TS promises to bring you even more of the best wit and wicked whispers from the world of accountancy over the next twelve months. We may even pull out a few surprises along the way. We won’t say too much at this point but keep your eyes on the blog for an even bigger and better slice of the lighter, and darker, side of accounting.
