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HMRC in drug shock
TS is struggling to get used to this HMRC lark. First we find that if you type the web address incorrectly, you end up at the Hornell Model Railroad Club. Then a press release pings through - on magic mushrooms.
For those who aren't abreast of this issue, a loophole that allowed people to import and sell magic mushrooms was closed on Monday.
The world was informed through a press release from HMRC, which was where TS got lost. Since when did our taxmen care about magic mushrooms?
'It's a drug smuggling issue,' a spokesman for HMRC explains.
Revene AND Customs - now we get it.
Love me, love my colleagues
Amorous accountants involved in an office fling had better watch their step, because their company could end up being sued… by someone not involved in the relationship.
Hopefully, this will turn out to be a case of ‘only in America’, and California in particular, but TS was surprised to see that two female prison workers successfully sued over ‘sexual favouritism’ because the boss was having affairs with at least three of his other employees.
TS wonders what the long-term repercussions of such a ruling will be. If an FD gets caught out having a fling with member of the finance team, does that mean they will have to sleep with the rest of the team to avoid litigation? And obviously, with firms being equal opportunity employers, it will mean everyone.
So the next time you’re eyeing up an attractive assistant, have a quick look around the rest of the office before deciding if it’s worth the effort.
Sex doesn't have to be taxing
TS remembers its teenage days like they were yesterday. Its acne-infested face, school-boy fumbles in the back row of the Ritzy and embarrassing attempts to buy a packet of three from the chemist, which inevitably resulted in purchases of toothpaste and cough mixture instead.
Bearing this in mind, TS was delighted to hear that high street chemist Superdrug had gathered 15,000 names on a petition demanding an end to the 17.5% VAT on condoms, loosely known as the ‘sex tax’.
The woman in charge of the petition at the company, one wait for it Liz Love, claims that around £7m is spent on condoms every year and that our little latex chums should not be classed as luxury goods, but instead labelled an ‘essential item’.
TS is a firm supporter of the petition. Not only would it encourage safe sex, it would also save teenage boys at least some money while needlessly spending vast amounts on cotton buds, disposable cameras and spot cream.
Red-faced over rail error
It’s embarrassing enough being caught out looking at accounting-related websites during your spare time, but TS is struggling to live down the ribbing it had from colleagues over a recent visit to a web page, all because of a mistype.
You see, we were honestly looking for information from HM Revenue & Customs, when we visited www.hmrc.org. Just a slip of the keyboard meant we ended up at the Hornell Model Railway Club.
For the record, TS would like to point out that it doesn’t have a fascination with toy trains. I mean, if we did we’d find a better excuse than visiting the Rev’s site. Just don’t ask us why we spent so long browsing.
BE my baby
The judge’s verdict in the BE Studios case/Smith & Williamson is an absorbing document. Not only is it of general relevance to the R&D tax credit scheme, it also has some juicy gossip.
In the first paragraph, the judge reveals that Joanna Berry and Ted Evans, two
of BE’s top three, ‘had formed a personal relationship’, even though, the judge says, Evans was ‘married and with a family’. Mr Justice Evans-Lombe, TS feels, is to be praised for his sure grasp of tabloid writing (always start with the best line). Unfortunately, the subject does not reappear on pages 2, 3, 4 etc. We only learn that, by October 2001, ‘the relationship... had ended’.
There are many things one could say about that. TS asks only: are the BE pair the first couple to be outed by a High Court judgement?
Keep us posted, Deloitte
Anyone wandering down the Strand will have noticed that Deloitte is still ‘backing the bid.’
The big banners emblazoned across the front of Deloitte’s building demonstrating Deloitte’s Olympian ardour are understandable, as partner Neil Wood was the FD for the bid project.
The banners have been up for as long as TS can remember, but now, more than three weeks after the bid was won, are they still necessary?
‘The London 2012 bid team arranged for the banners to be put up and pulled down and we’re expecting them to take them down within the next couple of weeks,’ a spokeswoman for Deloitte tells us.
‘At the moment there are no plans to replace them,’ she told TS.
Accountus Horriblis
Following the Public Accounts Committee's report into the Royal Duchys, TS would like to propose its own consultation document on the Royal coffers. There are two questions, in particular, TS would like answered.
Firstly: what's wrong with PwC? (the PAC decided it was time for the NAO to look at the accounts). Since when was public sector scrutiny so much better than that of the professional auditing firms?
Secondly: we know that Prince Charles prefers traditional accounting practices (it's something like that, isn't it?), but isn't it time the Royals restated under IFRS? TS would love to track the impairment of the brand.
Any responses to our consultation (TS hopes, at some point, to publish a draft document), should be posted below.
Time travelling accountants
TS has wanted to time travel ever since seeing 'Back to the Future', if only to stop Michael J Fox being credited with writing Johnny B Goode. But for 200 lucky accountants from overseas, that experience could come true, well nearly.
Delegates from Eura Audit International are converging on North Yorkshire for a five-day conference. Part of the jolly, sorry, important business event inevitably includes a trip to the Jorvik centre in York, where visitors are transported back in history to experience a typical York street during Viking times. The centre recreates the sights, sounds and, infamously, smells of the day, including a rather nasty smell of pee.
TS has always wondered why this particular feature has been necessary, as any visitor to York city centre on a Friday night, or any other British town come to think of it, will recognise the smell immediately. Perhaps our 200 accounting chums would much prefer a night on the tiles anyway.
FDs in time for a change
Although TS likes doing its job, sometimes, given the choice, we would probably prefer another role, like working in quality control at a Guinness factory. And it looks like a fair few FDs are also considering totally new roles, if a recent meeting E&Y's office is anything to go by.
A fraught-filled three hours of presentations regarding the very thorny topic of the OFR, presented by E&Y and software bods Geac, led one FD to scream out: 'time to get a new job!'
The proclamation came at a particular point in the presentation, when E&Y all-round clever chap Will Rainey presented a couple of slides jampacked with questions that FDs should ask themselves when dealing with the OFR.
It was obviously all technical stuff, so TS didn't understand much of it. But, given the sweat-soaked and pallid-looking faces in the audience, it seemed most knew too well what lies ahead for them in the very near future……a heck of a lot more compliance work!
Confilct of interest in Rover bid
And to David James once more. A quick call from TS to the great man’s PR people, Anthony Cardew Associates, yielded no great help recently.
Principally because they said they were conflicted out of aiding the corporate emergency rescue specialist on the MG Rover story. Conflicted out, how could that be? Apparently, Cardew represent one of the two Chinese bidders for Rover. I ask you, what are the chances?
Colin catches the Harry Potter bug
Click on the image above to read Colin's lastest, magical, expolits
Gordon and the Budget of fire
They say the wheels of government never stop turning, but it might well have been a quiet few days in the Treasury of late, as it turns out Chancellor Gordon Brown is a big Harry Potter fan.
Interviewed on the release of the latest Potter tome, he said the series of books are one of Britain’s greatest exports and praised author JK Rowling, for having ‘done more for literacy around the world than any single human being’.
However, TS worries that once Brown has finished his copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and returned to his duties as chancellor, he may become overly-inspired by it.
What are the chances that we will see the introduction of a ‘muggle tax’ in the next Budget, or even credits for energy-efficient broomsticks?
Born to be mild
Some people are just born to be accountants. Take Chris Sanger, tax partner at Ernst & Young and former Treasury mandarin.
Chris, pictured, demonstrated an interest in accounting from an early age, particularly in a certain accounting back page. Sanger was only four when he was pictured reading Accountancy Age, showing a discernment rare in one so young.
TS is also pleased to announce that Sanger has just had a baby boy Henry Christopher William Sanger was born on Friday.
By way of congratulations, TS is tempted to send young Henry a free copy of the magazine. After all, it won’t be long before he too will be reading it cover to cover.
The Tax-Free Experience
Like any overgrown kid, TS loves a visit to a theme park. Those stomach-churning rides and over indulgence in candy floss leaves us buzzing for days. But while theme parks are undoubtedly a gift to the world, they are still money-making businesses.
Well, that’s what we thought but The Holy Land Experience, a bible-based theme park in Orlando, has just won a four-year battle to avoid paying taxes, after claiming it should be classed alongside churches and museums and be exempt for its $1m property tax bill. The judge agreed. Now TS doesn’t get drawn into religious arguments, but we’ve never had to pay $30 to enter a church before.
Accounting for break-ups
When TS thinks of accountants involved in fierce arguments, it’s usually a situation where the FD has just told the boss that the company can’t afford to buy a Learjet for them to attend that year-long business conference in the Bahamas.
In fact, it turns out that many are involved in far more volatile debates. For the modern accountant is just as important as a lawyer when it comes to divorce.
This wonderful news emerged, unusually, at the ICAEW’s annual farming and rural business group conference where solicitor Isobel Robinson stressed the importance of collating financial information to help solicitors ‘develop a strategy for managing divorce settlements’.
Ah well, at least the executives know who to turn to when caught with the secretary at exotic conferences, Learjet or not.
Deloitte’s good sports
TS’ loyal readers may recall our previous story about how Olympic bid FD Neil Wood could be a medal contender at the 2012 games.
But TS can reveal that Wood, a partner at Deloitte, will face some stiff competition from his colleagues. It turns out that the Big Four firm has quite a track record of producing accountants with an athletic edge.
In the Wooden Spoon Four Peaks Endurance Challenge, Deloitte’s Charles Bradbrook, Ross Cattell, Andrew Robinson and Wayne Thomas clinched the Ben Nevis bowl, while down on the water, a Deloitte team recently won the Sunsail Industry Sailing Challenge for the third-year running.
It all sounds rather taxing (sorry, couldn’t resist that) but TS will be watching Team Deloitte’s potential quest for 2012 glory with interest, from the comfort of our armchair.
Rover bid turns to Ashes
David James is back in the news again. The man made famous for his exploits bringing companies back from the dead, and for his calamitous goalkeeping, has been trying to buy, alternately, all of, or part of, MG Rover.
But when speaking to TS recently James seemed to be getting a little impatient with the whole business. He complained bitterly that so far the whole sorry episode with Rover had taken up four weeks of his time and well and truly diverted his attention away myriad other projects he had on the go. TS couldn’t help but sympathise, some days it’s just all go. You never know what to do next – get the tea, or pop out to the post office.
James, being the thoroughly determined type that he is, has made up his mind that there were certain things that even MG Rover and its PwC administrators could wait for. ‘Come what may, I shall be at the first test at Lords on Thursday,’ he emphatically declared. Everyone needs a break after all.
England better perform well against the Aussies, though, or there could be a couple of British institutions going down the swanny.
Water way to stamp out bribery
Now, TS knows that corruption is a terrible thing, especially since the offers of freebies to write nice things about various firms dried up, but we reckon some just take measures to stop it a bit too far.
We read recently that German civil servants in the finance ministry have been banned from accepting gifts of any sort, and that includes hot and cold drinks. Even a glass of water could be construed as an attempt to influence the poor souls.
We can imagine how dangerous such gifts are, well at least if the annual German finance ministry trip to the Sahara goes wrong and the team is stranded for days without provisions until a kind, mysterious corporate type comes along with an offer of water, simply for signing a lucrative public service contract.
Or are we being just a little far reaching?
Colin on forgeries
Read the latest installment of Colin by clicking on the image above
Cutting all ties
TS has never much cared for wearing a tie anything other than a pair of shorts and a jug of Pimms is superfluous. So imagine TS’ delight, then, when over 50% of FD’s polled in the latest Accountancy Age/Reed Finance Big Question said the mandatory wearing of ties in the workplace should be scrapped.
One respondent was particularly eloquent in his argument for the scrapping of those silly pieces of cloth we all hate. ‘Whoever invented the tie should be hung by one!’ he enthused. ‘They are uncomfortable and a danger around shredding machines!’
One wonders whether staff at Andersen’s US offices considered that danger.
Tax drag for souped-up tractors
Ian Fleming of Carlisle-based Armstrong Watson & Co, not the James Bond the same name has a cracking story in the latest issue of Tax Adviser.
Fleming reveals that a new kind of tractor, a sort of hot hatch for the farming world, is under scrutiny from the taxman because it goes too fast. Four Tracs may be liable to higher tax bills because, with a top speed of 40mph, the new model is being used for purposes other than the purely agricultural.
Agricultural vehicles are allowed to use rebated petrol; others are not. There are no clear statutes, and tax advisers and farmers are becoming perplexed as to what to do. Fleming says: ‘We need a tribunal.’
And our survey says…
TS can not-so-exclusively reveal that the good times are back. Yes, we too read the Accountancy Age Top 50 last month, which showed that firms’ revenues were on the rise again. And yes, we gawped at the train station ads boasting of Grant Thornton’s prowess in the big-ticket arena.
But the surest sign that the accountancy gravy train is back on track is the number of firms, institutes and general all-round accountancy great and good commissioning opinion pollsters to attest to their competence.
Pollsters are believed to be involved in GT’s post-ad justification. The ICAEW is using them to test member merger views. And the FSA has turned to the industry to gauge whether the City thinks it’s doing a good job. But no one has asked TS what we think about matters of state. Surely a soon-to-be-corrected oversight.
Potty mouth
TS should start with two apologies. Firstly for the bad language that follows but secondly for coming to this email exchange between two KPMG partners a little late.
KPMG is in a lot of trouble in the US over its work peddling tax shelters to clients. Back in February a US senate committee report was published on the role of professional firms in the US tax shelter industry.
The report quoted an April 1999 email from the then head of the firm’s Washington tax practice, Philip Wiesner, to eight senior KPMG tax professionals urging final approval of a tax product called bond linked issue premium. ‘I do believe the time has come to shit and get off the pot,’ he endearingly urged his colleagues.
One recipients, Jeffrey Stein, then head of the tax operations, stuck with the theme. ‘I think it’s shit OR [his caps] get off the pot,’ he replied with grammatical precision. ‘I vote for shit’. Lovely.
Champion contender
TS is currently in training for the Olympics in 2012. The effort of picking up all those free drinks in the corporate troughing enclosures could, after all, cause any gossip columnist to strain a few muscles.
Neil Wood, the London Olympic bid FD and Deloitte partner, also seems to be out on the track. Not unlike his fellow board member Sebastian Coe, Wood is something of a sportsman. He enjoys clay-pigeon shooting and scuba-diving (his wife is a diving instructor), and he also runs (presumably with Coe), and plays squash. He has even qualified as an RFU rugby coach.
The question has always been: will Wood get the top job as FD for the games proper? The question of whether he ends up competing in the games might be more apt...
Colin apologises
Colin has been in contrite mood since last week's remarks about Liverpool. See what he has to say by clicking on the above image.
CCAB disappears
When Accountancy Age revealed a couple of weeks ago that the CCAB, the profession’s umbrella body, was in danger of falling apart because of a spat between ICAS, the ICAEW and CIPFA, TS was initially unconcerned. After all, you would hope that grown men of such standing would be able to resolve their differences without too much fuss.
So it was a bit of a shock when we decided to visit the website of said body only to find it had disappeared. Just two lines of text currently constitute the CCAB’s site one its name and the other telling us the site is being ‘redeveloped’.
You have to wonder if this development is currently on hold until the malaise between the institutes is sorted out.
Gone in 60 seconds
TS is well aware that, if you’re the Chinese assistant finance minister in town to speak to UK’s accountants, you’re going to be in demand.
This was the case for Wang Jun, who gave a stirring presentation (in Mandarin) at the ICAEW’s annual conference. No sooner had the applause died down than the minister promptly upped and left not even staying to hear Hermes boss Tony Watson do his bit.
In fact, he had been whisked away by ACCA for talks, no doubt to ensure they will be seen as the global accountancy body of choice. We can but assume he visited the other institutes as well. Hope he got time to go shopping in the West End with the missus.
Bunn leaves currant affairs
So farewell then, Jon Bunn, head of media relations at PwC, and one-time head choirboy of this parish (Bunn was news editor on Accountancy Age in a past life).
Jon is off to Prudential, where he hopes actuaries may be more interesting to deal with than accountants.
Bunn always had a complicated relationship with TS, having a variety of nicknames depending on his mood: The Currant Bunn when he was being sweet and nice or Hot Cross Bunn when he got himself into a furious stink about the odd back-page yarn.
Bunn had a positive, go get-em style at PwC like all good rugby players, he went in tackle first.
But TS shall most treasure his dieting advice, proffered at his leaving drinks: ‘Just have two pints a night instead of three, mate you’ll see the weight fall off.’
No doubt, Jon, no doubt.
Ambassador for the profession?
Does ACCA chief executive Allen Blewitt know what he’s done? Interviewed in The Times last week, he warmed to his theme that accountants could help to bridge differences between people to create mutual understanding.
‘We just have to keep broadening it to say, look globally at what’s happening. There is no other profession that can transcend boundaries the way that accountancy does,’ he said.
TS notes only that transcending boundaries, on tax in particular, is what the profession’s critics have always said it does, to deleterious effect (TS had to look that word up, by the way). And Blewitt thinks he is an ambassador for the profession.
Accountant arrested for G8 protest
Sometimes, when TS is reading a particularly ridiculous tabloid tale, or watching another pathetic interview by Natasha Kaplinsky on BBC Breakfast, we get the overwhelming urge to rise up and fight against our chosen profession. But then we have a drink to numb the pain and forget all about it.
So perhaps it's not too much of a surprise that some accountants also get this feeling. But one has gone a little further than TS ever has, by getting arrested for protesting ahead of the G8 summit at Gleneagles.
David Williams, a chartered accountant from Sale, Cheshire was accused of sitting in front of a line of police that were using shields to force back protesters. Williams, 25, denied the offence, ssaying he was exercising his right to peaceful assembly.
That may well be the case, but if Williams is protesting for the same reasons as some of the others, we're not sure how it marries up with his professional life, which is, obviously, all about money.
More scouse madness (and by that we mean anger)
Letters have been flying in over Colin's apparent faux pas of mentioning Liverpool in his strip.
Gareth Edwards says ' Sad to see that Taking Stock has been attending the Boris Johnson school of Geography and Typecasting!'
Meanwhile a slightly more irate M.A. Harrington really has something to get off his chest:
'I am writing in order to complain most vociferously at the Colin Cartoon in Taking Stock on 30th June.
Accountancy Age has always, in some quarters, had the reputation of being "The Sun" of the accountancy press. I now know this to be true.
You are totally unfair, living in a past age, and out of touch with reality in mentioning Liverpool in the Colin Cartoon. It is common knowledge nationwide that Nottingham is the gun capital of mainland UK where the police have routinely for several years carried firearms in the normal course of their duties. Manchester Moss Side comes after Nottingham.
Your cartoon and the comment is typical of people who live "south of Watford", but who sadly and unfortunately for the rest of the country dominate the media. I feel sorry for such people. Come up North and see what life is really like!
I have sent a copy of the cartoon with my comments to my M.P., Radio Merseyside and the Press Complaints Council.'
TS would suggest that when writing to complain about inappropriate stereotypes, you probably shouldn't use phrases like 'the comment is typical of people who live "south of Watford"', but we won't, as we don't want to inflame the situation any further.
It seems the only person who has been silent on this so far has been the cartoon man himself. Colin, TS challenges you to explain yourself.
Ear we go!
TS knows that PricewaterhouseCoopers didn't get to the top of the accounting tree by being a lily-livered bunch of namby pambies (apologies to any namby pambies out there with non-lily livers), but the competitive spirit seems to be getting a tad out of hand.
Today's Times reports that two PwC staff have been suspended after a fight in a Canary Wharf pub that almost left one of them without an ear. The details of the incident were sketchy although a spokesman for the firm said the ear severance was 'overstating it'.
So the next time your hear someone saying that their auditor doesn't listen to them, just remember that there might be a very good reason for it.
Scouse backlash at Colin jibe
Dear me, what ever happened to the famous scouse sense of humour? Or perhaps that's just another false stereotype that TS shouldn't promote.
Either way some of you out there didn't take too kindly to Colin's reference to the late payment poetry that might be used in Liverpool.
Here's a letter we received from Andrew Allen, a management accountant at Becker Industrial Coatings in, surprise, surprise, Liverpool.
'Whilst reading this months edition of Accountancy age I was not only surprised but also appalled by the cartoon on the back page which was part of the Taking Stock section.
There was absolutely no need to specifically include Liverpool within the context of the joke which alluded to there being a more violent culture within the city as opposed to the country as a whole.
The only explanation that comes to mind is that you may be referring to a previous factual story included within your magazine that I have not read.
Nevertheless it's use within a cartoon is more in keeping with a publication like the Sun rather than a publication such as yours aimed at professionals.
With Liverpool being the Capital of Culture in 2008 there are many aspects of the city to applaud, enjoy and advertise yet there are those who still wish to try and put the city down. However, for those who have visited the city, they will know it's true splendour.'
Here's another from Tom Carroll, also a Merseyside accountant.
'May I congratulate you on your outstanding entry into the "Boris Johnson Tact and Diplomacy Awards 2005". It does justice to the great man himself, and is sure to add to the list of awards heaped on your publication.
I'm not going to get up on a high horse as we Scousers can take a joke. I'm not cancelling my subscription to AA as I like the publication and find it useful. However, I wonder if, on reflection, the 'author' of the strip from which the acclaimed artist and erstwhile busker Damon Gough drew inspiration for his stage name would agree that perhaps he could have been a little more original when looking for a stereotype.
Come on guys. Shell suits and Kevin Keegan wigs aren't seen much these days on the streets of the 2008 European Capital of Culture. Come and visit us some time. You'll be surprised. But then again, maybe it's just because Colin is a closet Chelsea supporter. Never mind, Col. Maybe next year, eh?'
You can see Colin's comments here if you want to make up your own mind.
