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Booze and fags link hurts Wetherspoons
There's nothing finer, in the mind of TS, to help you wind down after a hard day's work (well a day's work anyway) than a pint of ale and a packet of shag.
Smoking and drinking go together like strawberries and cream, although TS wouldn't suggest adding that the mix as well. Even better, we're helping ease the tax burden of the nation, given that a large proportion of the money we shell out goes to the government.
But, like millions of others, TS reckons removing one of these from the equation just isn't right, as Wetherspoons is finding to its cost.
The pub chain is shifting its watering holes to non-smoking environments. Already 17 have been converted, but sales are down as a result. It still reckons this is the way forward, which is probably true given the government could well ban smoking in all places that serve food in the near future.
TS thinks they should ban eating in pubs instead. If anyone has seen TS wolfing down a curry they would understand that it’s a far more offensive and dangerous act than even smoking.
Write your own reference - Equitable style
The revelation that Charles Thomson, Equitable Life's chief executive, wrote his own reference when he applied for work at the society, must have amused many at Ernst & Young, with whom the society is locked in a court battle.
But for TS, we were just a little confused over the fuss it has caused. After all, how do you, dear readers, think we got this job in the first place? Frankly it's the only way to guarantee that your potential employers will get a glowing report.
'TS excels in the world of gossip and satire,' it read. 'Not only will TS happily shop in close contacts, he is a character of immense integrity, intellect and drinking skills,' it read.
Like Charles, we managed to get the job on the back of this. Our current employer overlooked the fact that we had made up the letter from our supposed former boss, with whom we were not at all close following a misunderstanding in a crowded pub.
TS still insists we said our boss was regularly nagging his secretary, but we digress.
In the grand scheme of things, making up the reference wasn't a big deal. Compared with our other misdemeanours, it seems rather trivial, but then again our employers know nothing about those either.
Ground control to PKF
TS can’t get enough of outer space, which is just as well given that it’s limitless. Some might say it doesn’t have much of an atmosphere (arf), but we’ve been hooked ever since Blake’s 7 was on the telly. But our love of space is nothing compared with that of some staff at PKF.
The firm has been chosen as auditor of Leicester’s National Space Centre (NSC), and PKF partner Steve King will ‘boldly go where no accountant has gone before’, by the looks of this pic (click on it for a larger image). Just to confirm, Steve is on the left, proud as punch whereas the more soberly attired chap is Chas Bishop, chief executive of the NSC. Anyone get the feeling that Steve is fulfilling a childhood ambition here?
TS is insanely jealous.
Curiouser and curiouser
TS will have whatever Jonathan Gaisman QC is having.
Gaisman has been the surprise turn in the Ernst & Young vs Equitable Life saga at the High Court, with his witty asides and obscure references. TS’s favourite so far was the following.
Gaisman was commenting on what E&Y regards as just one of the ridiculous elements of Equitable’s claim: ‘My Lord, I will not invoke either Lewis Carroll or Aristophanes ...those sort of points stale with repetition, but your Lordship knows that is what I am thinking,’ he said.
So, what on earth was he trying to tell the judge? ‘Off with his head’, referring to his opponent, Iain Milligan? ‘Eat me’, perhaps? Most likely he was inferring that Equitable are in wonderland, or Cloud Cuckoo Land (from Aristophanes’ The Birds).
But TS is keen to hear other suggestions just click on the comments button and let us know what you think.
Tax proposals to hit accountants hard
With the general election only seven days away the government knows that its success could hinge on those millions of undecided voters.
TS, though, has long been a one-party back page, and if you looked at the manifesto of the Monster Raving Loony party, you’d understand why.
Its latest plans for the economy are inspired tax credits paid to nice people, and a ‘total bastard’ tax for everyone else. TS would, of course, get tax credits galore for its positive portrayal of the finest British profession, but despite there being no set criteria for ‘bastard tax’, TS can think of several accountants who would be in line for a hefty bill.
Never mind those involved in well-reported accounting scandals, we at TS have a better idea. How about getting all those responsible for the absolute mess that is IAS39 and taxing them to the hilt? We thought you might agree.
Lights out for UK pensions
A prestigious CIMA event that includes the likes of Tesco and HSBC finance chiefs Andrew Higginson and Douglas Flint and an audience of peers should be a pretty polished affair. And so it was at the Anthony Howitt lecture - with a couple of exceptions.
Bradford & Bingley FD Rosemary Thorne was spotted furiously scribbling out 'Building Society’ from her name badge, as the company hasn’t carried that moniker since 2000. And during the pensions panel debate, someone saw fit to slowly, but surely, dim the lights until the hall was cloaked in darkness.
TS felt it was a good analogy for the general state of pensions in the UK.
What's in a name? £825,000 apparently
While frowning sternly on any form of illegal activity, TS has to admire the sheer gall of some people when it comes to taking advantage of the taxman.
We've heard endless tales of deviants who try to avoid giving their money to the Inland Revenue, but a delicious new twist was revealed in court yesterday, with one solicitor having exploited the Revenue's good name for his own gain.
Ian Macfarlane pleaded guilty to 26 charges of theft at Bournemouth Crown Court after prising £825,000 from his employers by writing cheques to a bogus bank account he created in the name of 'Ian Revue'.
Apparently, the name on the cheques for clients' stamp duty payments looked so similar to that of the Rev's when written hurriedly that no-one at the company noticed. He was caught out when he wrote a cheque for a house that was exempt from stamp duty, otherwise it might still have been going on today.
You have to wonder what drove him to such lengths. Macfarlane already earned £138,000 a year and ran a property management company.
Wanted: Boozy students
TS has a lot of sympathy for businesses that run into financial trouble. After all we used to spend hours wondering around the Gadget Shop looking at amusing, hi-tech novelty items. Now we have nothing to do of an early evening, except go to the pub (again).
But, while you can see some failures coming a mile off, others are much more of a shock to the system.
One of the bars at Aston University has been forced to close because the students aren't drinking enough alcohol. Again, for the hard of reading, the students aren't drinking enough alcohol.
Apparently student debt has something to do with it, but the tax dodgers are also increasingly health conscious. So much so that the bar may reopen selling fruit and noodles. What on Earth is the world coming too?
E&Y judge in Beckham scandal shocker
Mr Justice Langley is a busy man. The judge has spent the last two and a bit weeks overseeing the Equitable Life trial at the High Court. For those who've missed it, the life assurer is suing its former auditors Ernst & Young and directors for £3.75bn for alleged negligence. But he had a spot of light relief at the weekend.
Readers of the News of the World will have noted that the paper's legal battle at the High Court against the tabloid soap that is the Beckham family was overseen by none other than a Mr Justice Langley too.
Not content with judging a landmark auditor case (set to go on until Christmas), the High Court judge exercised more of the grey matter in delivering a significant judgment on media law, allowing the NOTW to publish the views of Posh and Becks' nanny on the couple's alleged rows.
A weekend following footballers and failed pop stars, and back to accountants on Monday - sounds a bit like TS's last few days, actually.
Taxman con exposed
Being a well connected blog with insider information, it may come as no surprise to you to read that we've been inundated with requests to help influential figures move millions of pounds of money from accounts in foreign lands, usually Nigeria, with the handy bonus of pocketing around 10% of the cash ourselves.
With several of these deals about to come to fruition, and flights booked to the Bahamas, TS was shocked to read that we might be falling for a scam. Apparently these requests are sent out quite regularly to most everyone in order to dupe money out of them.
In fact, several variations on this theme exist. The latest involves people using Inland Revenue headed notepaper to target overseas nationals. Some might say that the taxman is a con artist anyway, but TS digresses. You can read the full story here.
TS has to dash, we've got plane tickets to cancel, but this embarrassing disappointment will not deter us. We've already heard about a company that can make gold from base metals that needs investment. Would you believe it!
Sophisticated French fraudster
Us Brits have always had to put up with a certain amount of snobbery from across the English Channel. To the French, 'le roast beef' are a bunch of uncultured yobs, nowhere near as sophisticated as our continental cousins.
And frankly, sometimes TS finds it hard to argue with the evidence. Even French fraudsters seem to have more style about them. While in the UK we get accountants defrauding their employers to go gambling, one French accountant at Banque BNP-Paribas has been charged by police with taking £10m unlawfully from the company, to spend on antique furniture for her flat. The height of sophistication we're sure you'll agree.
Fear not, dear readers, TS will continue its crusade against boorish behaviour until British accountants are considered just as cultural as their French counterparts. But not right now as we have to nip out to put a tenner on the 3.30 at Newmarket.
Druckman is a womble
Images of venerable ICAEW president Paul Druckman with a balti pie and cup of Bovril in hand aren’t normally the first thing to spring to TS's mind. But this scenario is actually quite a likely one.
Having spent a pleasant afternoon in Paul's company at the outrageously-decorated St Martins Lane Hotel, conversation inevitably led to football and he wasn't shy to admit his love for Wimbledon Football Club. Not the soulless franchise that is now the MK Dons, but AFC Wimbledon, the club that arose from the ashes of the former Selhurst Park tenants and are current champions of the Ryman Division 1, just the seven leagues below the Premiership.
Sticking with his hometown club, of which he owns one precious share, proves to be a riot of inconsistent brilliance smattered with plenty of honest effort, according to Druckman. A bit like the number crunching then, TS reckons.
All we want is rubbish and UFOs
In between its marathon ale-drinking sessions, TS sometimes enjoys grilling businesses and the profession with some pretty tough questions (other call it a job). If we can't get the answers we need, well, then we simply head back to the pub.
Not really dear readers, we're persistent hacks who would do anything to get to the bottom of latest accounting intrigue…even if it does involve IAS39.
Believe us, we would hunt high and low for the real answers behind why, for instance, the institute merger has stalled for the 800th time since accountants first walked the earth.
Trust us we want the big stories, we'll even use the Freedom of Information Act to seek out the truth.
But according to a senior chap at Capgemini – a consultancy carrying out some FOI work for the Home Office – the most sought after FOI requests are a tad unusual.
At number one is waste collection, while the second most common FOI filing is apparently for UFO's. This means the British public and its media are making more requests over the contents of their rubbish and whether flying saucers are being covered up than anything else!
Perhaps the two are connected. TS knows the truth is out there.
Just to the right a bit, mate
Neal Milsom may carry the burden of Orange UK’s finances on his shoulders, but he got off pretty lightly when our photographer turned up at his office to take some pictures for today's profile piece in Accountancy Age .
OK, so it took him a while to warm up to the idea of being snapped while perched on a footstool in front of an oversized Orange advert in a scene reminiscent of an episode of Teletubbies. But at least he didn’t befall the same fate as the last executive to have his photo taken for a magazine, according to Orange’s PR.
Having spotted some particularly fetching pebble-effect tiles on the coffee shop floor, the photographer made said exec lie down before straddling the unsuspecting individual to get the all important shot. TS is unsure whether these photos ended up in a magazine or as some form of blackmail material.
Zoe’s charms escape FD
TS must to admit to a particular fondness for TV’s Bad Girls and Footballers’ Wives all the smut, violence and scandal on show is just the kind of relaxation needed after a long day on the TS desk.
So we were disappointed to find that the FD of Shed Productions, which makes the titillating dramas, did not share TS’ enthusiasm. Jonathan Kemp told us that being on set is ‘not that exciting’.
Isn’t it? TS can think of one particularly raunchy scene in Footballers’ Wives on a private jet that must surely have been pretty engrossing, even being described by leading lady Zoe Lucker (pictured) as ‘soft porn’.
Still, preparing a balance sheet must have its own charms.
Equitable court fight award
TS has invented a new award, for what must surely be the most incredible piece of sustained rhetoric ever to hit the profession, and awarded it immediately to Ernst & Young.
‘This is a case where the claim brought suffers from so many defects that it is hard to know which of them deserves pride of place,’ ran the opening to E&Y’s defence against the Equitable Life lawsuit.
TS was bowled over by E&Y’s assertions although this may have had something to do with a few too many martinis when TS met with the firm for a, er, ‘contact-building session’.
Equitable’s claim was based on a ‘theological assertion’, was ‘martinet-like’, ‘over-lawyered’, ‘wholly barren’, ‘truly bizarre’, ‘a waste of time’, ‘utterly misconceived’, ‘far-fetched’, ‘patently absurd’, and ‘the product of misdirected ingenuity.’ E&Y, in case there was any doubt, denies Equitable’s claims.
Yellowbellies at E&Y
Rock stars and accountants aren’t generally two groups of people you would lump together. So it came as a surprise to discover that Morten Hussman, senior PR bod at Ernst & Young, used to be a bit of a rock god in his native Denmark.
Harket, sorry, Hussman, played lead guitar in a band called Yellowbellies, eventually jacking it in during 2001 to go into PR for E&Y’s Danish operation. The music, he told TS, was ‘a bit like (Scottish soft-rock crooners) Del Amitri’. The highlight of Morten’s career came when he and the band supported Bill Clinton (who was speaking, not playing his sax, we might add) in 1997, in front of 20,000 fans.
Now he’s forced to deal with irritating calls from TS. How the mighty have fallen.
Ruff deal at Rover
Poor old Rover. After a painful sickness, the old dog has finally been taken out and shot. But it seems this sad event could mean we will see the appearance of a new form of money.
TS was intrigued to read that a fund set up by Rover’s directors to help worker’s families in the event of collapse would include ‘collateralised cash’. Not a term we’d come across before, so TS stepped out of the pub, picked up the old dog and bone and called some accounting chums.
Unfortunately, similar bafflement was abound. ‘It’s a new one on me I’m afraid,’ said one ICAEW accounting guru. One Big Four partner explained: 'It's obviously a buzzword of the moment. Soon everybody will be using it even though no-one knows what it means.'
However, after much research (well browsing the internet), TS finally managed to uncover what this strange term means.
'Collateralised cash' is cash placed in 'escrow-type' accounts where it could be claimed by collaborators that lost money if the car maker was forced to cease trading. Bet you're glad you know that now.
Far trek: the accounting generation
In its prime, TS used to be renowned for its endurance, stamina and speed. In fact we once held the record for the fastest pub crawl around the London Underground circle line, at least amongst it peers anyway.
Nowadays we're a lot more laid back and wouldn't be seen dead near the latest challenge that a bunch of accountants are taking on. Actually, we would be seen dead there, if we were foolish enough to get involved
The State Street Caledonian Challenge involves trekking 54 miles in 24 hours and eight teams of accountants have been brave/stupid enough to sign up for a 'stroll' that takes in Glen Nevis, the Devil's Staircase and Loch Lomond.
TS wishes the participants from KPMG, Deloitte, PwC, Andrew Hamilton, Chiene Tait, JPMorgan, Presence and RBS the best of luck in their quest for the fastest accounting team trophy, won by KPMG last year.
Unfortunately TS already has plans to have its feet up with a book in one hand and a glass of wine in the other that weekend.
IFRS is very much like a bikini says 'Swiss Tony' McCreevy
TS openly admits that it has a weakness when it comes to skimpy clothing - bikinis are a particular favourite. How satisfying to note, then, that those in the highest corridors of power - especially TS's old chum Charlie McCreevy – appear to share the same refined tastes in haut couture.
McCreevy revealed his liking for a tasty two-piece at a CIMA qualification conferring session in Dublin, where he compared financial statements to sexy swimwear.
In a twist on Fast Show used car salesman character Swiss Tony, the EC internal market commissioner said that published accounts were very much like 'bikinis: much more interesting for what they conceal than for what they reveal'.
TS couldn't agree more – more thorough disclosure – whether on the pool deck or the trading floor – must be a good thing.
Rover collapse fails to prevent Midlands stock exchange
With the collapse of MG Rover, the west midlands is in the doldrums. With tens of thousands of jobs likely to go at the company and at its suppliers, the local economy has, at the risk of understating the issue, taken a bit of a hit.
In that context, TS wondered what the plans were for the famed West Midlands stock exchange. This plan has been kicking around for a while, and a development agency currently involved in the attempts to salvage something, anything, from MG Rover, is also behind it – Advantage West Midlands.
So will it be launched this year as planned: 'We're still pressing ahead,' my man on the soon-to-be trading floor says.
TS wishes them the best of luck; once MG Rover has been wound up, there may not be many businesses around there looking to come to market.
Mazars goes to the movies
TS loves multi-million dollar blockbuster movies and can't wait for the next installment of Star Wars but some have more refined tastes in celluloid. Take Baldish Mandair for instance who has just been made assistant manager at Mazars in Southampton.
So far, so ordinary but in announcing her appointment, Mazars chose to pick on her passion for the big screen and, instead of her number crunching knowledge the release bizarrely revealed Mandair's tastes in films.
TS was 'delighted' to discover that the young accountant is a keen fan of arthouse films and a member of Southampton's Harbour Lights cinema. 'I enjoy watching foreign films and was so impressed by some Latin American movies, I even tried learning Spanish,' Mandair said with the excited tones of someone who had just watched back to back Latin American movies.
However, the release took a turn for the worse when Mazars partner Phillip Callow decided to turn into Countdown's Richard Whiteley and reveal his 'talent' for film-based puns.
'Her ability and experience will thrust her into the limelight with our clients and I'm sure it will be curtain up on the first reel of a successful career.'
TS feels a headache coming on!
Ex Arsenal player at ICAS?
TS loves accounting and football, so, when the two subjects collide, well, TS gets very, very excited.
Those Scottish lovelies ICAS have issued a report on the beautiful game (not creative accounting or tax avoidance by the way), looking into the importance of footy clubs' annual reports.
But TS' expensive replica footy shorts almost fell down in surprise at the name of the report's author – the one and only Stephen Morrow. You know, the goateed guy who played for Arsenal, scored in the Coca-Cola Cup and was then dropped (literally) by Tony Adams during post-match celebrations??
Great to see that his time away from the beautiful game has been spent with the world's most beautiful profession.
Money making with a difference
If TS was asked to come up with a list of its top 10 heroes (watch Channel 4 pinch the idea over the next few weeks along with the 'world's greatest accounting standards') it would definitely choose Gary Lineker, Eric Morecambe and, of course, Sir David Tweedie.
But considering how much we love to see the daffs pop up in the springtime in the TS garden, the late and great former Blue Peter horticulturalist Percy Thrower would also be up there. Thanks to Thrower's advice TS grew up being able to do two things in the garden: grow watercress and erm, grow watercress but who said gardening and accounting didn't mix?
A firm of Deal accountants in Kent has dug up a novel way of advertising its services as well as sowing the green-fingered word.
Reeves and Neylan hand delivered cards to potential customers advertising its services and giving them free packets of seeds to grow the tenuously titled 'Money Maker' tomatoes and basil.
The cards, complete with growing instructions, were delivered to 400 homes in the Deal area last Saturday with the message: 'Tomato and basil – a tasty combination. Why not sample another tasty combination – you and Reeves and Neylan.'
The only problem was that partner Michael Terry tried the seeds out last year but blamed 'the weather' because he ended up with green tomatoes that his wife used to make chutney. Perhaps a marketing strategy rethink is in order down in Deal?
Alone to face Equitable
When TS isn't off gallivanting in the far corners of the earth looking for the accountancy stories that concern the dear bean counters of Britain, it likes to view a bit of life art in London's most pretentious galleries. There's nothing like gazing at some poor lost artist who, for the sake of his profession, has decided to spend exactly 365 days locked up in a room on his own with only a pair of slippers and a cupboard full of cheese to get him through the day – all in the name of art.However, TS has learnt that a certain senior executive in the Ernst & Young media relations team has been involved in a similar, David Blaine-style stunt – but this time with a slightly more serious edge to it. Left all alone in a room to face a barrage of press calls on the current Equitable trial, the poor soul manned the 'Equitable hotline' during a furiously busy week and will, no doubt be doing the same until the case's conclusion in around seven months' time. Sure, that's not very fair, but there's one thing missing - a small perspex porthole in the hotline room's wall so that every passing E&Y employee can stare at the case in progress.
Blewitt only drinks Aussie
All change at ACCA. Chief executive Allan Blewitt is a man who likes to do things his way and some of those who fell victim to his predecessor's wrath won't have a problem with that. Now, a little more than a year in post, the full extent of his changes have become apparent. So what can we reveal? Is ACCA secretly negotiating a three-way merger of its own with the Magic Circle and the Brownies? Well, possibly though TS is having a little trouble standing up that particular story. No, what we can exclusively tell you, dear readers, is that Australian Blewitt has changed ACCA's wine-buying policy. No more French sauvignon blanc or Chilean merlot for visitors to Lincoln Inn's Fields - its Australian only from here on in. TS' wine correspondent reports from beneath the table that his favourite Aussie tipple is a 2003 Grenache from, of all winemakers, Blewitt Springs. We're assured the name is entirely coincidental. Blewitt, who fans of TS will recall penned the Jason Donovan drama Loot, is not pursuing a third career as a vintner.
Gazumped at the office
The two traditional signs of a healthy economy, are how difficult it is to hail a London taxi and how long you have to wait to get a table at a decent restaurant. But TS has spotted a new measure: how hard can it be to secure central London business premises.
Talking to the senior partner of a larger mid-tier firm the other day (we move in very influential circles, you see) we heard how he was on his fourth attempt to bag City office space. Three times he had been gazumped, let down and generally disappointed by the competitive nature of the commercial property market. Fourth time lucky perhaps.
As if Enron never happened…
Although TS admits to partaking in the odd bit of 'creative' accounting – such as booking a booze-up with mates as client entertainment on the expenses form – it seems we are still way behind our corporate counterparts Take Japanese cosmetics company Kanebo, which inflated sales and under-reported expenses on a massive scale between 1995 and 2003, according to the new management. Now where have we heard that before? TS may have been buying the rounds at the local for far longer, but it must admit that it is yet to match the Kanebo folk when it comes to sleight of hand with the books. The former management team is expected to face criminal charges after sneaking around £1bn worth of fictitious sales into the profit and loss account. Now, how many Guinness and whisky chasers is that?
Big Four bribes continue
Yet more examples have reached TS of the lengths the Big Four - and even some companies - will go to in order to attract new accountants.
Following tales of campus hi-jinks involving rickshaws, hot air balloons and light shows last week, we've now heard that yet more newly qualifieds were being wooed unusually at the Accountancy Worldwide Forum.
Food an alcohol were the bribes of the day, with vodka shots available from KPMG Moscow, tubs of chocolates from Deloitte UK, and rum soaked cake (an excellent combination of both baits) from Ernst & Young in Bermuda.
But frankly none of this was a patch on what you could get from delivery guys TNT at the forum, which had remote control cargo planes and replica delivery trucks on offer. TS would have signed up immediately. It was certainly a better ploy than Procter and Gamble, which took to throwing nappies into the crowds at one point. TS just hopes they were fresh.
I pity the (celebrity) fool . . .
In its youth, TS used to hang around with other comedy back-page types and pretend to be a band of heroes, usually the A-Team (TS played ‘mad’ Murdoch in case you were wondering).
Those flights of fancy are long behind us. But one accountant from a Blackburn firm still has this escapist opportunity, as a member of the ‘Rapid Response Unit’.
John Green, head of forensic accounting at Pierce, together with his band of legal, business and computer experts, helps ‘protect public figures in times of crisis’. What this entails, TS is not sure of, but we think it’s something to do with dealing with celebrity scandals.
So, if you’re a celeb in trouble and no one else can help and if you can find them, then maybe you could hire the ‘Rapid Response Unit’. TS loves it when a plan comes together.
Charlie’s tuned in
Since becoming internal market commissioner at the EC, Charlie McCreevy has been working darned hard. And finally his efforts are paying off, as TS is starting to like him. Surely the ultimate honour for any eurocrat.
After all, who could fail to warm to a man who uses classic lines from country rock anthems in his battle against US administrative dogma.
Speaking ahead of a trip to America, which will include talks with the SEC over the difficulty companies face when trying to deregister from the regulator, he compared the Yanks’ capital market to The Eagle’s famous Hotel California.
The reason? ‘You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave,’ said McCreevy.
Charlie, TS salutes you.
My other car’s a Lamborghini
On bad days, TS tends to wonder what on earth it is doing in a job that involves writing about IAS39 and the thrilling issue of tax on white vans, while the year’s highlight is a bet on how long the chancellor’s Budget speech will last.
TS expects while staring at your 568th balance sheet of the day, you may also have questioned why you began a career in accountancy. Like most, we're sure you did it for the pleasure of being involved in such a prestigious profession but there are always some exceptions to the rule.
For instance, Mark Currie, FD of the Management Consulting Group, decided to pursue number crunching as a vocation after his father showed him a 1970s car magazine with an article on accountants’ favourite runarounds.
Admittedly, at the time the professional’s choice was a nifty Lamborghini. Ah, how those dreams must have been shattered in later life.
Down Rover, down!
It was supposed to be a gala evening - a night when we would celebrate another hard-working year in the accounting world. Instead the Accountancy Age Awards ceremony in the year 2000 found TS perched precariously between two seething adversaries John Millett the FD of Rover and Jon Moulton, managing partner of Alchemy, the VC negotiating to buy the stricken car company from BMW.
There was little love lost between the two, and, far from a glittering night of joy, TS found itself operating as unofficial peacekeeper, a position about as enviable as wearing a blue helmet in Baghdad.
Little surprise then that Rover’s troubles have surfaced again, with Moulton doing the TV rounds to say ‘I told you so’. Millett has so far been mute, but TS is still checking future seating plans with considerable care.
Sir David drams it to the US
Last week's annual ICAEW Brussels conference offered up the perfect stage for IASB supreme Sir David Tweedie to show off his talents at what he loves best: stand up comedy.
Having heard a few of his routines before, TS wasn't surprised to see accounting's version of Jack Dee take the mike for a debate on the global agenda for financial reporting and waste no time in using what he loves best to do what he most certainly loves a very close second-best, namely riling our cousins from across the Atlantic.
Faced with US claims that it had found the answer to accounting for goodwill – in writing it off over several years – Sir David pulled no punche,s referencing a great love of TS's, a good Scotch.
'Johnny Walker Black Label is actually older than the United States,' said the dour and confrontational Scot. 'And I would rather write off the US than Johnny Walker Black Label.' Ouch.
Vote Tesco! Higginson for chancellor
We're sure that, by now, you're all fed up to the back teeth of hearing that Tesco's continuing bash at global domination has been carried out on the back of providing value for money products, good customer service and from branching out into areas that other supermarkets don't go, such as insurance. But, if a recent survey is to be believed, they should be leveraging their brand even further - into politics.
City business accident and emergency specialists Begbies Traynor said that Tesco's came out top in research that asked people which company they most wanted to run UK plc. Yesterday’s results – £2bn in profits – would no doubt go some way to reinforce their view.
TS reckons that would make Tesco FD Andrew Higginson the man best placed to be the next chancellor of the exchequer. He could perhaps introduce queue busting check-out girls in hospitals to reduce waiting times and make available low priced own-brand goods like wheelie bins. Most of all Tesco should be running education – especially maths teaching. The advantages there are obvious for all to see. Forget Labour, the Tories and the Lib Dems – Vote Tesco! Terry Leahy for president…I mean prime minister… anyone?
Accountancy the election loser
The heralding of a general election, strangely enough, coincides with TS's requisite one-month-every-five-years hibernation period. But this time we thought we might try and stay awake through the bluster and boredom. After all, it looked like it the parties might fight the election on the economy and numbers, and TS loves nothing more than a bunch of numbers.
So we were more-than-slightly disappointed to hear shadow chancellor Oliver Letwin proclaim yesterday that 'this election is not about accountancy', after the Tories had been forced to backtrack on their pledge to cuts taxes within a month of getting into power.
Ho-hum, it looks like TS has stayed awake for no reason. Perhaps we should go and grab that sleeping bag and make a cup of Horlicks.
From sharks to Footballer's Wives
TS has never been the biggest fan of an aquatic lifestyle. Ever since seeing Jaws at the cinema, we've been afraid even to put our hands in a bowl of washing-up (Mrs TS says it's simply laziness but we know better). Then again, we also have an ardent fear of time travel, in case we bump into any Daleks.
But there are others out there much braver and foolhardy than TS. Take Jonathan Kemp, the FD of Shed Productions and star of tomorrow's Accountancy Age profile, for instance.
The daring/idiotic soul has been shark diving in a cage off the coast of South Africa, spending some quality time with the Great White's in the waters of the Cape.
Of course this may not have simply been a pleasure trip, given that Shed, the makers of saucy drama Footballer's Wives and prison series Bad Girls, has just listed on AIM. Surely it gave him the necessary groundwork to deal with the more vicious investors and bankers out there.
A VAT of confusion
As far as taxes go, and as far as TS really wants to think about them, VAT has always been one of the most perplexing. I mean we already get taxed on the money we earn, why should we get taxed on what we want to spend it on as well?
This confusion seems to be a global syndrome, particularly around what is and isn't subject to VAT. According to Taxware, public baths and showers are VAT-free in Morocco, but any soap used is taxed at 7%, while in Portugal there is pasta persecution. Spaghetti and penne are in the 5% VAT bracket, but ravioli, cannelloni and tortellini are, unfairly TS would say, subject to a 19% surplus.
But good old Blighty has its own fair share of tax idiosyncrasies. Hot food is taxable but not if it is cold when it reaches the customer. Of course the customer might well send it away in that case.
Magic mushrooms, you may have heard recently, are subject to the 17.5% rate. Apparently, some don't use them purely as food, would you believe.
What really messes with TS's head though, is the treatment of our beloved toastie. It seems the crispy bread sandwiches are VAT-free, whether hot or cold. This is, apparently, because of the flavour and texture. Excuse us for a moment while we try and figure that one out.
If you've got any clues, please let us know by clicking on the comment button below.
Anyone for bowling? Apparently not.
The demise of a long-standing institution is always a sad occasion, especially when no-one seems to notice.
TS has got wind of a plea from Gibson Hewitt, the liquidators of the Balham Bowling Club, to find its missing members in order to give them some cash. The club, established in 1893 by members of the Surrey Staghounds but has been in steady decline in recent years as elderly members stopped visiting the clubhouse.
Of the 3,309 members, around 2,000 are 'missing'. As shareholders they are entitled to at least £175, with some holdings worth up to £20,000. Not a sum to be sniffed at. TS just wonders how many of these members are still around to cash in on this windfall.
ICAS dons battle kilts
Nationalism raised its ugly head in the world of accountancy again this week, with ICAS going all 'Braveheart' over the proposed merger between the ICAEW and CIPFA (and possibly CIMA some time down the line).
TS may paraphrase slightly here but the general reaction was 'how dare they consider using the name the Institute of Chartered Accountants', with ICAS president Ian Robertson saying his body would 'robustly oppose' a name that was 'too broad and inaccurate'.
It's not too hard to see where the beef is here, given ICAS is the oldest accounting institute and doesn't want the new body to be able to claim bragging rights on what sounds a much more prestigious title.
His argument that institutes throughout the world are differentiated by nationality is a strong one, but would perhaps be stronger if it weren't just the 'auld enemy' saying it.
Whatever your view, you've got to admire Robertson's sly dig at the rather messy merger process with his own name suggestion.
Anyone for ' The Institute of Some Chartered Accountants and Public Finance Accountants'? You never know, it might just catch on.
Marta's swinging campaign
If TS hadn't spent the weekend chasing poultry round a field in Berkshire (don't ask) we would have been tempted to pop into London to see our favourite EC whistleblower.
Marta Andreasen was in the capital speaking at a rally urging people to vote against the EU constitution, claiming that it will add to the problems of fraud and waste that she uncovered during her time there as chief accountant.
What really tickled TS though was that this time she has teamed up with veteran lefty Tony Benn in her campaign against the European behemoth. Given that her last action in the UK saw her siding with former UKIP MEP Ashley Mote, TS suspects that had her political movements featured on Peter Snow's celebrated election swing-o-meter, she would have fried its computer-generated circuits.
From accounts to arrows
Being a huge fan of the finest sport in the world, darts, TS was a little perturbed to hear that there is a new contender for Phil 'The Power' Taylor's crown as one of the great athletes.
What is a little surprising, and perhaps a little insulting, is that this one has come straight from the boardroom with little experience.
Justin Irwin, a senior director at charity ChildLine, is giving up his £50,000 a-year position in an attempt to become the darts world champion, despite having not played the game much.
He admits he never lost his childhood ambition to become a champ in any sport, and having found himself to be not particularly adept at more traditional games like football and rugby, he's turned his attention to what he believes is a much easier game.
But Irwin could well face a shock. TS, knows that the stamina and skill required to continually throw arrows accurately after 10 pints, is enormous. We wish him luck, but expect we'll see him back in a suit before too long.
Anyone out there got any similar ambitions for greatness, or have already started to act on them? We'd love to hear from you. The best may even get a bottle of bubbly to celebrate abandoning the desk for their dreams. Just click on the comments button below and let Uncle TS help you along the chosen path.
Cutting costs begins at home
Charged with handling one of the biggest single cost-cutting drives the BBC has ever seen, TS was surprised to hear of group finance director Zarin Patel’s rather extravagant approach to music and gadgets.
Back in December she took the plunge and joined the kids in buying one of those new-fangled iPod portable gramophone things. So impressed was she with the gadget that she is already onto her second iPod.
‘I have one for one type of music and one for another type of music,’ she says, without a hint of irony, considering the efficiency drives she is currently embarking on.
TS can’t help but wonder what music Patel will be whistling on her journey to work. Can we suggest Queen’s Another one Bites the Dust? Or Money’s too Tight to Mention by Simply Red, or even dare we say it I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. Or would that be overly cynical?
Insolvency’s a rough old job
A few too many reports of administrations have hit the old TS in-tray in recent times, but we suppose it keeps those darned turnaround experts in work and shiny shoes.
The latest one to wing its way to the TS newsdesk told of Ernst & Young being appointed to deal with troubled Manchester-based Carbo Plc, a ‘maker of abrasive products’.
You already know what’s coming don’t you?
One can only wonder if the company had rubbed its creditors up the wrong way, or whether there was friction among shareholders over the company’s strategy.
Let’s hope that E&Y scours the country for a buyer, and the company can deal with the obviously rough trading conditions - it won’t be plane sailing, that’s for sure.
Sorry about that, but it just had to be done. It’s out of our system now, and we’ll move on.
Campus hi-jinks for Big Four
TS isn’t averse to the odd bit of shameless self promotion, our endless plugs for this blog site in Accountancy Age prove that, but even we would balk at some of the things the Big Four get up to.
When trying to attract graduates into their clutches, they use all kinds of tricks on campus. KPMG flies blimps (that’s American for hot-air balloons) and pedals students around campus on rickshaws. PwC gets its kicks from illuminating university buildings with its logo
Now, TS knows all too well that university is the place for hi-jinks, but you would have thought that the Big Four might have grown up a bit by now.
Naughty, naughty!
Far be it for TS to take the moral high ground, given its past misdemeanours, but we were genuinely shocked at the actions of former PwC audit manager Arif Mohammed.
Yesterday he was fined £10,000 by the FSA for making money from inside knowledge obtained as the company's auditor. He bought 15,000 shares in Delta, knowing full well that the company was about to sell its electrical division, making a tidy profit of £3,750 by selling up the day after the disposal.
Of course there's no such thing as easy money, given that he's now £6,250 down on the deal. Perhaps he should try betting on the gee-gees instead, the losses there are usually a bit more manageable.
Happy New Tax Year!
TS is renowned for using any excuse to hold a celebratory party. In fact we’ve been known to stay up partying all night on Mother’s Day, even though the little brats complained about the noise. So, with this is mind, we would just like to wish every one of you a Happy New Tax Year! We’re not sure about what the world of accounting is doing to commemorate this marvellous day, but TS plans to do the conga round the office, undercrackers on head, until the P60 lands on our desk. Then again, given that we’re on a final warning, it may be a P45. If you’ve got any suggestions for ways to mark this auspicious day of the year, let TS know. Just click on the comment button just below this sentence.
Battling the bottle
As you well know, dear readers, TS is quite partial to cracking open a bottle of bubbly and/or sinking a pint or five down the local alehouse. But, apart from our comedy back page drinking chums from other magazines, TS is not alone in its penchant for the bottle. Finance professionals, it seems, are also quite attached to a bit of booze. Sources have revealed to TS that the Priory Group, the infamous celebrity detox hotel-clinic, has turned its attention on the City. The group is launching a campaign targeting indulgent financial professionals who can apparently down a glass with the best of them. The Priory estimates that some professionals are downing up to 40 pints, or one-and-a-half bottles of vodka, a week. Some are also said to be fans of the Colombian marching powder. Even TS would battle to keep up with this kind of excess! Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll? Sex, drugs and financial services sounds far more dangerous.
Creative accountants wanted
It has taken some time for TS to get used to this new post-Enron world of accountancy, all the little backhanders we used to get have dried up completely, meaning we actually have to do some work for a living. Nevertheless we’ve eventually managed to acknowledge the new world order, unlike some people. TS was rather surprised to see a news release land on our desk recently from a recruitment agency with the title ‘Accountancy firms need to be more creative’. Surely that was what got accountants into this bother in the first place! As it happens that agency is talking about ‘thinking outside the box’ when it comes to hiring marketing staff. But then again, perhaps the agency should think a little harder about its own marketing activities, and what it is trying to say with them, before it starts spouting off advice to others.
Song of a lovesick accountant
TS’s dreams of creating an all star band that can storm to the top of the accountancy music charts are halfway there! Courtesy of Dennis Flynn, we now have some lyrics and a title, all we need now is the music. TS reckons we’re looking at a ballad here. So, for you pleasure, here is Dennis’ ‘Song of a Lovesick Accountant’.
How to analyse your manner strange?
Tell me truly of my errors:
Narrate the reasons for this change.
Your company and loving presence
I value over all else on earth.
If some goodwill can now be shown
I venture we’ll see love’s rebirth.
Reconciliation swift I now am seeking:
This current impasse leaves me tense.
Do not discount my urgent pleading:
Do not keep me in suspense.
April's foolish
TS has never been a one for April fools jokes. Usually we’re never up before midday to appreciate them, but also on those rare occasions that we are, we’re so hopelessly gullible that we fall for them every time. Well that is until now, for despite TS’s inability to spot a dupe from up close, some pranks are just a bit too obvious. Take CODA and CIMA, joint protagonists of the extreme accounting website, for instance. This morning they tried to convince TS that they were making a hostile bid in order to get extreme accounting included as an Olympic sport at the 2012 Olympics in London. I mean, as if London is going to get it! Following that, we were told that mid-tier firm Chantrey Vellacott, has expanded its tax department with the appointments of Rugby World Cup hero Johnny Wilkinson and future queen, possibly, Camilla Parker Bowles. 'Our tax department can't wait,' said a CV partner of Camilla. ' She apparently has a fee-following second to none - and that is just her future husband and mother-in-law.' How we chortled. Now we must be off, TS has just been told they’re giving away free Ferraris in Milton Keynes.
