« February 2005 | Main | April 2005 »
IFRS a bore for Unilever
Frankly, TS has had it up to here with all this IFRS malarkey. We really can’t be bothered with it any more, and we hold pretty esteemed company with this view. Unilever finance director Rudy Markham was unavailable for comment this week on the consumer goods group's shift to IFRS. The subject, a spokesman said, was considered insufficiently newsworthy to waste the FD's time on. TS understands that the biggest accounting change for a generation can be a complete turn off. We assume the numbers involved didn't mean that much to Markham anyway - a billion off the top line there, a billion on the bottom line there. He did, after all, personally take home just over £1.1 million last year. Money, money, money, as Abba used to sing...
A top read. And the finance bill
Regular readers will be aware of TS’s aversion to so-called ‘heavyweight’ reading. After all, we’re still struggling with the Harry Potter books. So the recent publication of the Treasury’s finance bill struck us with a fear similar to that of an arachnophobe faced with a bath of tarantulas. It’s not a record, but Gordon Brown’s 342-page, 172-clause-and-20-schedule finance bill, along with accompanying explanatory notes, weighs in at 2.2kg. That’s just less than 5lbs to you. No doubt it’s more than worth its weight to the Treasury, others may take a different view. Consider the poor, perspiring staff at the Commons vote office, required to manhandle sufficient copies into their basement store to hand out to MPs, reporters and sundry aides and advisers. But not to TS. We’re sticking with the excellent read that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the moment.
Sleepless in the supermarket
There is nothing quite as satisfying as a good night’s sleep, which is why TS can sympathise with Morrison’s departing FD Martin Ackroyd. Strolling leisurely into the office at half elevenish, after a nice lie-in and a full English down the greasy spoon, TS was shocked to discover that Martin had only got 15 minutes of shut-eye the poor lamb. Speaking at the Morrison’s results presentation, a bloodshot Ackroyd said: ‘Excuse me for the frog in my throat, but I only got to bed 6.30am this morning and got up at quarter to seven.’ TS is not sure what was keeping him up, but hopes that now Martin no longer has to worry about the Safeway accounting system, he will be able to get his recommended eight hours kip a night.
Charter lays cards on the table
Regular readers may recall a story that graced these pages a few weeks back about accountant Wing Kit Chu, who pumped millions of pounds of his employer’s money into a spread-betting account. But we forgot to consider those who suffer from such crimes. Engineering company Charter, the victim of Wing Kit Chu’s penchant for dice and vice, revealed that their man had blown £9.2m of company money on the tables. This amounted to wait for it over 10% of UK turnover. TS was shocked, until we realised that far more of our (so-called) salary goes the same way. Perhaps a call to Charter should be on the, ahem, cards to get advice on cutting down.
Brown in dark over election
We know that the relationship between the prime minister and chancellor Gordon Brown is a bit frosty, but TS would have thought that Tony would at least have been kind enough to let him know about the upcoming election. We only ask because Gordon seemed a bit confused at last week’s sitting of the Treasury select committee about when it was going to be. Of course, everyone else knows the election will happen in May: Blair will dissolve parliament in early April, leaving the way clear for a 5 May election. But when pushed by Tory MP Michael Fallon on whether future rises in spending would be funded by increases to tax or NI, Gordon, after some vacillation, replied: ‘The policy on tax rates will be in our election manifesto.’ Good to know. And when will that be? ‘There may be an election this year or next,’ he said with a wink.
Sun, sand and iris scans
Finger printing, iris scanning and body-odour testing are all things TS has experienced at some point over the years usually at the cop shop or up in HR. So, when former Andersen spin-off Accenture invited a vitamin D-deficient TS to sun-drenched Cannes (it rained actually) to test some futuristic gizmos, it sounded too good to be true. And in fact, it was. When one white-coated boffin attempted to demonstrate thumb-print recognition for future use in passports and ID cards, the entire network ground to a halt. This left TS stuck on the Côte d’Azur without a purpose, always a dangerous situation. Just before the demo-failure, the boffin had told us that identity theft was the fastest-growing criminal industry, costing two trillion dollars a year. Perhaps if network problems continue in the future, a few more noughts could be added to that figure.
Extra Time for Footy Clubs
During TS' customary half-three teabreak, we came across a story of one footballing giant under the pecuniary cosh. Rome-based club Lazio has escaped the ignominy of bankruptcy with minutes to spare, thanks to a deal with the Italian tax authorities. Owing a 'mere' €140m (£96.4m), Italy's Tax Agency has struck a deal with the club to pay the debt back over the next 23 years. This hasn’t been without its controversy, however. According to Reuters, government coalition party Northern League has claimed Lazio has received preferential treatment. 'The thieving Romans have not hesitated to save Lazio, which in a serious country would have gone straight into bankruptcy,' said Northern League 'lawmaker' Mario Borghezio. Imagine TS' surprise to read a story, minutes later, echoing the same sentiments, but based a lot closer to home! Cardiff City's relegation rivals have reacted angrily to a loan from the Professional Footballers' association that helped the club meet its wage bill. Rivals claimed that the loan would help the club avoid relegation, giving them an unfair advantage. But PFA deputy chief exec Mark McGuire told The Guardian that many clubs were given PFA loans to cover 'cashflow' problems. When in Rome, as they say…
Flight's Flight after ICAEW Brekky
Unfortunately, TS isn't well connected enough to have planted any activists at last week's ICAEW breakfast briefing with Howard Flight. But whatever the ex-Tory special envoy to the City said must have been interesting - he walked the very next day. And with that in mind we can't help but wonder what will become of the Conservatives' pre-election fundraising given the sterling efforts in that department of a certain Mrs Flight. Is it a case of stand by your man or your party?
Gleadle's Grinder
Those of you with your finger on the pulse will have noticed that online travel agent, ticket seller and all-round touter of urgent things, lastminute.com changed their FD yesterday.
Have a look at Accountancy Age's story if you want the full gen on the move.
TS however was more amused by the quote from a lastminute.com spokesman in The Guardian referring to the handing over of responsibility from David Howell to Stephen Gleadle as ‘a move from a finder to a grinder’. This was in relation to Howell presiding over numerous acquisitions and Gleadle being brought in to squeeze extra profit from the business.
We’re not sure that the company’s employees will be so delighted with that metaphor and many will no doubt be wondering exactly what, or who, or which parts of their anatomy are about to find their way into the grinder.
Go home government foils TS
Good luck to any accountants who, like TS, have been trying to contact government departments this afternoon. Maundy Thursday is a half-day for civil servants. If only all of us were quite so lucky. Anyone trying to resolve a tax issue or, er, contact the press office, will just have to wait until after Easter, it seems. We would tell you more about the holiday - how long has it been around? Has it survived two world wars as well as the Gershon review? Unfortunately, for fairly obvious reasons, we couldn't contact anyone in government to ask them about it. Our contact at the Treasury (or rather, on his way home from the Treasury), says in slightly disgruntled fashion that, amidst the onslaught on pensions, this is 'one of the few perks left.' How gutted must they have been that yesterday’s strike was called off. It would have left them with practically a very nice, and very long weekend.
Life on the edge. Of sanity
Every accountant knows that TS treads where others daren’t follow like cracks in pavements, or dodgy bars at kicking-out time. But some brave people were brought to TS’s attention back in October, when those nice folk at Coda and CIMA launched www.extreme-accounting.com a site intended to highlight the crazy antics of some number crunchers. Five months later and the world has finally taken notice. That venerable rag, The Sun, devoted a whole page to the subject on 21 April. Never one to miss an opportunity for shameless self-promotion, here’s our contribution to extreme accounting Accountancy Age in the Himalayas. TS always said our stories were breathtaking.
Want a top job? - Talk to TS
Having recently joined Ernst & Young from his previous positions as finance director of Manchester Airport and the Commonwealth Games, David Leather clearly has no shortage of ambition. But to tell Accountancy Age (however tongue-in-cheek) that he wouldn’t be satisfied being another audit partner at the firm and was ultimately after chairman Nick Land’s job, was like showing a red rag to a bull. Naturally, Taking Stock would be failing in its duties if it were not to put the news of Land’s ultimate successor to the man himself. Land, with requisite professional ease, refused to bite at our coarsely laid bait, but it did get us thinking. Why bother with all those human resources notice boards and golfing Sundays with the MD? Next time you’re after the top man’s job, just get in touch TS will see what it can do. For a small fee, of course.
Grim Reaper stalks IASB halls
Having received our final warning at work for wasting company money ringing chatlines, TS decided to do something constructive with the phone last week and spent a few hours listening in on the trustee meeting of the ISAC Foundation. And boy, what a time those trustees had, even making jokes about their own mortality. Ruminating on whether a change was needed to ensure a chairman could not remain a trustee for 12 years, twice as long as the standard maximum, incumbent Paul Volcker declared the discussion irrelevant. The reason? Given the age of those thought to have the required gravitas for the role, no one would last that long!
The Wenger of Westminster
There’s nothing quite like listening to Britain’s finance director, Gordon Brown, talk at length about how well we’re doing economically, and how pleased he is we are meeting all those lovely golden rules yawn. In truth, TS was more interested in the outcome of the Budget sweepstake, hastily organised just minutes before Brown took centre stage. However TS almost fell out of its bathchair when Brown compared our economic performance to that of now slightly struggling football giants Arsenal. The chancellor said that, unlike the Gunners, who went on a 49-match unbeaten run, Britain had managed 50 quarters in a row of economic growth. Who ever said the Labour government was populist? Does that mean the Tories are more like Tottenham Hotspur i.e. their glory days are far behind them? Perhaps that’s a bit of an unfair analogy. After all, Spurs have played some attractive football recently.
Protection for insurance?
TS is no stranger to being on the wrong side of the law, and we still insist, along with our associate Father Ted Crilly (pictured), that the money was simply resting in our account while in transit to its rightful destination. These unfortunate memories came flooding back as we approached the Association of British Insurers conference at the QEII centre in London last week. Now, we know that insurance can be a risky business, but TS could see no reason for the forbidding cordon of police that surrounded the entrance to the conference, stopping visitors as they moved towards the building. For a moment, TS thought that our seedy past had finally caught up with us, but just as we about to bolt for cover, we were relieved to find that the fuzz were protecting another conference in the building about selling surplus UK defence equipment overseas from protesters. Funnily enough, that reminds TS of another scrape we only just got ourselves out of in Equatorial Guinea, but that’s another story.
An accounting classic
TS has long been advised by friends to get into reading ‘the classics’, rather than the latest pulp fiction by Marian Keyes or Dan Brown. So off we went to internet auction site ebay to find some old books at bargain prices. While TS considered our purchase successful, we’re not sure the 16th edition of the prospectus entitled ‘Careers in Secretaryship and Accountancy’ from the Metropolitan College in St Albans was exactly what our chums had in mind. Nevertheless the 1920s book was a riveting read. Joint-principal Leonard Foster (pictured), or ‘the author’ as TS likes to call him, takes us through a 132-page roller-coaster of courses and testimony, which tells us some accountants earned up to £400 more a year, as a result of signing up. It may not have the twists of a modern thriller, but what it lacks in car chases it makes up with fee-lists galore. Having dipped our toe into the world of classic literature, TS thinks it will give it another go. We hear the 25th edition is a real page-turner.
Drumming for debt
Some of you, dear readers, may well think that Gordon Brown is simply going too far with his anti-tax-avoidance measures. But frankly the iron chancellor has nothing on the tax collectors in the south of India. Fed up with waiting for notorious slow-payers to settle their bills, taxmen in Hyderabad are hiring 10-strong teams of wedding drummers to set up shop outside the homes of defaulters and play until they pay. So far there are 20 groups of drummers working the city and the £625,000 backlog of unpaid taxes is now steadily decreasing. Perhaps a similar method could be employed in the UK, but instead of drums, Brown’s Budget speech could be blared out on a continuous loop until they cough up. Frankly, just one repeat would be enough to have TS running to the cashpoint.
Man of honours tackles auditor
TS has watched with great interest as cash-shell Boustead attempts (so far in vain) to oust Kingston Smith as its auditor. We just hope the firm knows exactly who they’re dealing with 84-year-old chairman Sir Thomas Macpherson is not a man to be trifled with. TS understands that he managed to bluff 23,000 crack German troops into surrendering during World War II and spent two years as a prisoner of war before making a daring escape. Among his military honours, he was awarded a Légion d’Honneur and Croix de Geurre from France. He's represented Trinity College Oxford at rugby and hockey, and also thrown the oval ball around with London Scottish. One of his current hobbies is shooting. TS urges that Kingston Smith handles talks with the company and its chairman as politely as possible.
Cable show suffers Brown-out
Vincent Cable is spoiling for a fight. We know, it’s a bit of a surprise, as the Liberal Democrat shadow chancellor is not the most pugilistic of politicians. He is, by his own admission, a man more given to reflection in dusty libraries than stand-up verbal brawling with his opposite numbers. He’s no Fight Club fan rather a Far from the Madding Crowd devotee. More Hardy than hard nut, shall we say? But it has come to TS’ attention that Cable is positively busting for a bout with Gordon Brown and Oliver Letwin. He reckons he has the measure of them both and has laid down the gauntlet for them all to appear on TV to sort out the men from the economic lightweights. But while Letwin is up for it and willing to take on the contender from the yellow corner, Brown has er, well, ignored the invitation. Strange that. Cable looks like he gives quite a bit away on age and weight to the chancellor, so you would have thought ‘Iron Broon’ would fancy his chances.
Simon Cowell, let’s ’ave ya!
Slowly, but surely, TS is spreading its tendrils of influence outside of the profession. We’ve already seen fans emerge in the European Commission and our next target is the music industry. Shortly after our flagging of the accountancy music charts at www.accountancystudents.co.uk, six more songs have found their way onto the list. Never mind that four of them are remixes of the KPMG anthem (a great idea for an EP, if you ask TS), at this rate there’ll be a top 40 before we know it. And with that degree of popularity, it will give TS the chance to fulfil yet another of our hopeless dreams, that of music mogul. Watch out Simon Cowell and your shamelessly bland pop tripe the accountants are coming for you.
It’s only rock and payroll
We’re sure you’ll agree that the pop charts haven’t been the same since Busted! split up. McFly just don’t cut it. But we don’t care about the crummy top 40 since discovering the accountancy music charts at www.accountancystudents.co.uk. TS is the first to admit the choice is a little limited, given that there are currently only three songs listed, but what three songs! So in the words of Fluff Freeman: ‘Pop pickers, here’s the rundown.’ At number three is Monty Python’s accountancy shanty with the immortal lines: ‘It’s fun to charter an accountant, and sail the wide accountant sea.’ At number two is the Celine Dion-esque KPMG anthem. But straight in at the top spot is a hip-hop track featuring Paul Sarbanes and Mike Oxley rapping about the burdens of section 404. TS is currently working on its own bid for stardom a thrash-metal ballad about the combined code. We’ll keep you posted.
Auditing - a racy profession
With TS refusing to watch TV until the disgraceful decision to scrap Ground Force is reversed, the latest ad campaign from Brit sports-car makers MG had passed us by. Fortunately, the audit team from accounting firm Reeves and Neylan dropped us a note to let us know the cheeky motorists have been using a trip to the auditors to glamourise their cars. ‘They may be deathly dull, but getting there won’t be,’ proclaims MG. But R&N disagree, and as the picture shows, what better way to break this stereotype than to sit in a stationery MG with the top down, looking incredibly cool. But the accountancy gene is hard to resist, and the firm didn’t cut loose and splash out on a flash motor it just borrowed it from a client for the day.
Brussels sprouts TS fan
TS has long had delusions of grandeur over its standing in the global political community but they are delusions no longer. European administrative affairs commissioner Siim Kallas has shamelessly plundered TS’s linking of his job title with the ministerial moniker of Yes Minister’s hapless Jim Hacker last week. Speaking in Nottingham to the European Foundation for Management Development, his speech was peppered with references to the classic sit-com, comparing Sir Humphrey’s keeping the public (and his minister) in the dark to his own courageous commitment to open government. We know you’re reading, Mr Kallas.
Joan gets in character
Joan Collins is a lady not to be crossed, as her tax advisers Citroen Wells recently learned. The firm is in a bit of a legal battle with the TV temptress. The star who played evil Alexis Carrington in Dynasty is, in true Alexis style, having none of it and is scrapping it out over a bill from the firm. These are intriguing matters for TS, so we called her publicist Paul Keylock. Unfortunately he seemed unable to help but suggested we speak to Ms Collins’ manager. ‘Who is the manager?’ TS asked. ‘He doesn’t wish that to be known at this point in time,’ Mr Keylock told us. Strange that, because Ms Collins’ manager, a certain Peter Charlesworth, is clearly identified on Joan’s own website. TS hopes that Ms Collins’ lawyers’ communication skills are a tad better than that.
Drama at Softworld – at last!
TS loves Softworld, that glamorous accounting software expo at least, the bit that involves boozy lunches and chatting to the pretty marketing girls. Plus, the event always seems to bring up a surprise or two. Last November’s show in Birmingham saw one attendee fall through a false wall a truly spectacular snafu. But last week Customs achieved the equivalent of smashing into the Softworld hall at Earls Court in an articulated lorry. In front of a packed audience, it announced plans to introduce a new tax-processing software standard, claiming it had spoken to the ICAEW. Cue John Oates, deputy chair of the ICAEW IT faculty, who denied any knowledge of such discussions, and pointed out that the ICAEW has its own accreditations. Frantic meetings followed the handbags, which should see us continue with just the one scheme. Who said the software industry is dull?
The Dragon that Breathes Fire
So, it turns out that Welsh members of the ICAEW, not only want to stop the merger with CIPFA (and possibly CIMA), but they’ve had enough of being linked with England’s institute altogether. The wailing was brought to TS’ attention by Bruce Lawson, who is rallying opposition to any attempt at consolidation. Lawson explained to TS that Welsh members are so fed up with talks of a merger, that some of them would prefer an entirely separate Welsh institute. Perhaps demergers are the new mergers? Somehow we suspect Messrs Anstee and Druckman would not see it that way.
A Titular Coincidence
Titles are important, as any self-respecting civil servant will tell you. So important, in fact, you might want to spend, oh, minutes discussing it before accepting a new job. And it looks as if it took even less time for the European Commission's new anti-fraud commissioner to reflect on his new job title when he joined at the end of last year. Estonian Siim Kallas was given the rather grand moniker of commissioner of administrative affairs. Fairly innocuous you would agree, until you realise that this title sounds suspiciously similar to that of Yes Minister Whitehall mandarin Sir Humphrey Appleby. Given that Sir Humphrey's sole aim seemed to consist of achieving as little as possible, let's hope Kallas isn't from the same school of bureaucracy that his title might imply.
Reasons to be Cheerful
TS got to thinking the other day about how miserable it can be being the back page of a respected journal, while downing our third expensed cognac in The Ivy. Sure, there are the parties, meals and exotic travel, but does it really make you happy? We’re sure our accountant chums would understand our dilemma. After all, a recent survey from City & Guilds found that just 7% of the accountants they asked were very happy in their job, while the same small number have no regrets about their career path. This compares very poorly with other professions such as hairdressers (40%), chefs (23%), plumbers and mechanics (both 20%).Yet despite this miserable result, the survey also found the vast majority of accountants believe they are adequately financially rewarded, feel respected and find the job rewarding. You have to wonder what actually would make our dear readers happy.
Blog Off!
It is with some trepidation that TS usually embarks upon an interweb surfing trip, given our fear of electrickery, but sometimes these blog things - personal online journals - prove to be just too irresistible. Salam Pax, the blogger from Baghdad who detailed life during the US invasion, and Belle du Jour the high class, er, hostess who recounted her trials and tribulation with clients, are listed as favourites on the TS browser. In fact, our enjoyment of them was a large part of the reason that we set up this blog here (feel free to post any comments or suggestions for future TS stories). So it is with no small amount of sadness that we heard about the end of another of our favoured blogs, authored by a certain Jon Lisby, managing partner at Numerica. In a missive to partners, he confessed he found the demands of posting a blog more troublesome than an email, so he's given it up. Sad that. A posting after the firm's recent pre-tax losses would have made interesting reading.
Kicking a Man When he’s Down
TS - along with the rest of the accounting profession - was distressed to hear of the beating suffered by accountant John Stewart from his client John Cowie. The event, precipitated by fines from Companies House, was a matter to be considered seriously, especially as the court let Cowie off without punishment. So imagine our surprise when an email from the ubiquitous MD of tax software company Digita, Jerry Rihll, used the whole event as a sales plug. 'We believe that Digita software is capable of protecting a practitioner's health as well as his pocket!,' Rihll jokes, somewhat cheerily in a press release. 'Using the latest version of (Digita's) company secretarial solution might have avoided a very unfortunate situation,' Digita claims. Rumours that the software also protects against burglars, traffic wardens and bird flu cannot be confirmed by TS. Poor taste indeed.
